Is really time consuming,
Especially if you go back for seconds...
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Hmmmm....
So I woke up to these texts from Jake's phone:
"Stay awy from my bf we are back together. By the way i spent the night over and we had sex"
"That night you guys met in red deer he screwed on me with you and his been lying about how ffar this is been going on with you two!!"
"So unblievable!"
So now here are my questions:
Why am I receiving text messages at 4 a.m. from his crazy ex-girlfriend from his phone?
I met him in Red Deer?
Was the sex good? Is that unblievable statement about the sex?
Anyways, my life has suddenly become a drama fest. Yuck. Time to ditch the drama and go back to the heart. Yoga time :)
"Stay awy from my bf we are back together. By the way i spent the night over and we had sex"
"That night you guys met in red deer he screwed on me with you and his been lying about how ffar this is been going on with you two!!"
"So unblievable!"
So now here are my questions:
Why am I receiving text messages at 4 a.m. from his crazy ex-girlfriend from his phone?
I met him in Red Deer?
Was the sex good? Is that unblievable statement about the sex?
Anyways, my life has suddenly become a drama fest. Yuck. Time to ditch the drama and go back to the heart. Yoga time :)
Friday, November 29, 2013
I got a job!
So I got my job. It's set now and they are offering me employment for when I graduate!
Also, here is a cute cat picture.
Blah. So this week has been sort of an emotional trainwreck. I've been really stressed out lately and getting like 70% on an assignment threw me off a cliff for some weird effed up reason and I felt really depressed all day. Jake brought me chai and some hugs and I felt better. Then he came over for a brief bit on Wednesday while I was studying for my exam and that was nice.
And then came Thursday. I wrote my exam which went BLAH, and then went to the Rack for a bulldog and Jake was supposed to meet me there. He showed up completely smashed already with a friend. Which was okay because I really like his friend but I don't like the fact that he was drunk already. I dislike the fact that he then went on to emotionally whine to me about how he felt insecure in our relationship because I apparently deserve so much better. Or that he tried to drink and drive last night. The entire night was just kind of an almost deal breaker for me. I realize that sometimes in past relationships I've let things slide that I shouldn't have. And this time, I don't want to do that. I know I'm great and I deserve someone equally as great.
But that was just one night, right? I mean, he has been so good to me every other night, bringing me chai, letting me cry on his shoulder for no reason, making me dinner, cooking me breakfast in bed, etc. But then tonight, I was upset because he had told me all day that he really wanted to see me after my choir rehearsal and that he would come over and stay the night. But then he said earlier this evening that he might get 'roped' into doing something else tonight. It doesn't make sense to me if you make plans with me how you can get 'roped' into doing something. If you have plans, you stick with them. What bothers me is that I told him that he could go have fun with his friends and I'd just chill at home and go to bed earlier or tumbl or whatever, but he would reply with all these sad responses like I was acting like I didn't want to see him. I just want to have my freedom and let him have freedom in his life too. That's the problem with relationships sometimes, you spend too much time with the other person and they become your life rather than living real lives. And then he texts me after I ask him what he's doing and says he is going out with his friends because his friend apparently from out of town showed up. Funny how he found out right when I texted him, eh? Ya, so I was mad that he would be all Wah Wah Wah you don't want to see me and then ditch me last minute. I don't mind being alone for a night as long as I'm not led to believing I'm going to see him.
Plus, a month ago I asked if he wanted to come to my choir concert. He asked how much it was, and I said, like 20 bucks, and he patted me on the shoulder and said, have fun with that. Obviously implying that he didn't want to pay money to watch my concert. And then tonight I was mad that he still wasn't showing any interest in coming even though it is tomorrow. He had the balls to tell me that he did want to come and told me a month ago, but I didn't seem like I wanted him to come. WHY WOULD I ASK IF I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO COME. And then tried to convince me that he wasn't trying to imply that he wouldn't pay money to see me sing. Blah. Boys are stupid.
That's my rant. I hope I'm just emotionally unstable right now and I'm overthinking things.
Also, here is a cute cat picture.
Blah. So this week has been sort of an emotional trainwreck. I've been really stressed out lately and getting like 70% on an assignment threw me off a cliff for some weird effed up reason and I felt really depressed all day. Jake brought me chai and some hugs and I felt better. Then he came over for a brief bit on Wednesday while I was studying for my exam and that was nice.
And then came Thursday. I wrote my exam which went BLAH, and then went to the Rack for a bulldog and Jake was supposed to meet me there. He showed up completely smashed already with a friend. Which was okay because I really like his friend but I don't like the fact that he was drunk already. I dislike the fact that he then went on to emotionally whine to me about how he felt insecure in our relationship because I apparently deserve so much better. Or that he tried to drink and drive last night. The entire night was just kind of an almost deal breaker for me. I realize that sometimes in past relationships I've let things slide that I shouldn't have. And this time, I don't want to do that. I know I'm great and I deserve someone equally as great.
But that was just one night, right? I mean, he has been so good to me every other night, bringing me chai, letting me cry on his shoulder for no reason, making me dinner, cooking me breakfast in bed, etc. But then tonight, I was upset because he had told me all day that he really wanted to see me after my choir rehearsal and that he would come over and stay the night. But then he said earlier this evening that he might get 'roped' into doing something else tonight. It doesn't make sense to me if you make plans with me how you can get 'roped' into doing something. If you have plans, you stick with them. What bothers me is that I told him that he could go have fun with his friends and I'd just chill at home and go to bed earlier or tumbl or whatever, but he would reply with all these sad responses like I was acting like I didn't want to see him. I just want to have my freedom and let him have freedom in his life too. That's the problem with relationships sometimes, you spend too much time with the other person and they become your life rather than living real lives. And then he texts me after I ask him what he's doing and says he is going out with his friends because his friend apparently from out of town showed up. Funny how he found out right when I texted him, eh? Ya, so I was mad that he would be all Wah Wah Wah you don't want to see me and then ditch me last minute. I don't mind being alone for a night as long as I'm not led to believing I'm going to see him.
Plus, a month ago I asked if he wanted to come to my choir concert. He asked how much it was, and I said, like 20 bucks, and he patted me on the shoulder and said, have fun with that. Obviously implying that he didn't want to pay money to watch my concert. And then tonight I was mad that he still wasn't showing any interest in coming even though it is tomorrow. He had the balls to tell me that he did want to come and told me a month ago, but I didn't seem like I wanted him to come. WHY WOULD I ASK IF I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO COME. And then tried to convince me that he wasn't trying to imply that he wouldn't pay money to see me sing. Blah. Boys are stupid.
That's my rant. I hope I'm just emotionally unstable right now and I'm overthinking things.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
Technology
Yesterday, in my final lecture of History of Technology, my professor basically went through what is happening to the world due to technology and the idea of technopoly.
Basically, we have entered a world where technology is no longer optional. It is mandatory. Kids in elementary school now need to learn to use computers even if they don't want to. It is pushed on them and they are required to learn it. Yet, they are never taught how these computers work, or even how any of the simpler technologies work. We, as a younger generation, are very ignorant of how technology works, yet we use it more than anyone has before.
In doing so, we have also forgotten the importance of the past. In order to understand where we are now, we must realize that there were reasons for developing these initial basic technologies and why people back then needed it. History has basically become something forgotten and schools focus more on sciences and math rather than any arts classes due to the fact that science and math leads to new technology while the arts do not. The arts have become suppressed so that science and math can move forwards. For example, the arts budgets have gotten cut, while the engineering ones did not really. How is it that I can get handouts for all my engineering classes, but we are not allowed to get handouts in my history class? Pretty sad, really.
Anyways, the professor also said how technology is always seen as a good thing, but consider this quote and think about how it may be possible that new technology is created as a solution to a problem that was created by a previous idea:
Just a thought I thought I'd share. That quote is from Freud :)
Basically, we have entered a world where technology is no longer optional. It is mandatory. Kids in elementary school now need to learn to use computers even if they don't want to. It is pushed on them and they are required to learn it. Yet, they are never taught how these computers work, or even how any of the simpler technologies work. We, as a younger generation, are very ignorant of how technology works, yet we use it more than anyone has before.
In doing so, we have also forgotten the importance of the past. In order to understand where we are now, we must realize that there were reasons for developing these initial basic technologies and why people back then needed it. History has basically become something forgotten and schools focus more on sciences and math rather than any arts classes due to the fact that science and math leads to new technology while the arts do not. The arts have become suppressed so that science and math can move forwards. For example, the arts budgets have gotten cut, while the engineering ones did not really. How is it that I can get handouts for all my engineering classes, but we are not allowed to get handouts in my history class? Pretty sad, really.
Anyways, the professor also said how technology is always seen as a good thing, but consider this quote and think about how it may be possible that new technology is created as a solution to a problem that was created by a previous idea:
If there had been no railway to conquer distances, my child would never have left his native town and I should need no telephone to hear his voice; if travelling across the ocean by ship had not been introduced, my friend would not have embarked on his sea-voyage and I should not need a cable to relieve my anxiety about him.
Just a thought I thought I'd share. That quote is from Freud :)
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
My relationship with Food
Ugh. Food. Love it, hate it, eat it, avoid it. It's been an ongoing battle basically since I can remember.
Yesterday, I was talking to my roommate's girlfriend and she mentioned that she battled through anorexia a few years ago and weighed herself the day before and was 150 pounds at about 5'8" I think? And she was saying how she had never weighed that much before in her entire life and wanted to lose weight. How strange is it that we base how we feel on how much a scale says rather than how we feel or look. If we feel healthy and exercise and eat properly but are still a bit on the "chubby" side, why is that a bad thing? It shouldn't be, because the person across the street can be incredibly thin and eat junk food all day and never exercise. It's an incredibly messed up perspective of weight that we have here in North America, and it affects everyone at an early age these days.
Back in the day, when I was about 5 or so, I started over eating. Maybe even at an earlier age than that, but that's pretty much when I start to remember things. My worst memory from childhood is this: We bought girl guide mint thin cookies and I asked the parents if I could have one. They said yes, and so I stuffed one in my mouth and stole another one out of the box and ate TWO cookies. Yes, I said it, TWO whole cookies. And that's my earliest memory of the start of my overeating. Another memory is when I was eating a cheese string and one of the sisters opened a bag of chips. Instead of eating my cheese string by peeling it and enjoying as a cheese string should be eaten, I ate it like a block of cheese so that I could start eating chips asap. Frickin disgusting right? I didn't think so at the time, but when I think back to that moment, I feel repulsed and guilty. Why did I do that to myself when I was younger? Eating was always a boredom or emotional thing. I'm bored? I can entertain myself by eating. I'm feeling stressed or sad or pretty much any negative emotion? Eat. That should solve the problem right? It's so weird that food can make me feel better momentarily. And I say momentarily, because later on, I'm going to regret those chips I ate. That chocolate that I ate. Whatever it was that I stuffed into my mouth and didn't even really taste or enjoy because it was filling the void in my mental state. So this all started in an early age. I was probably overweight by the time I was 6 and in first grade a least. Maybe earlier, I can't really remember, but I can remember being overweight by the time I was in grade 6. And that's when it really started to affect my life.
Middle school kids are assholes. Yes, not mean, not jerks, big fucking Assholes. Not that I realized it at the time, but I know it now. I see the news saying how somebody killed themselves over teasing from their peers because they were gay, didn't look "right", etc. How messed up is that? That other people have that much influence on how someone feels about themselves. Even if you love other girls, you can't 100% ever feel feel comfortable right in today's society because someone is going to give you a look that bothers you one day. Even if it is one look in a year, it's going to affect how you feel to some degree. Same with fat people. "Skinny" people are going to judge those people, even just "thinner" people will judge them. Why are they eating? They should just starve themselves, right? Sure. That's how eating disorders start. You want everyone to get a mental disease just so that people can satisfy the ideal North American look? That's fucked. So here's my story. Throughout grades 6 to 8, I had a good group of friends I guess. I played basketball and volleyball and was friends with Tiff and some of the other girls that I went to elementary school with and whatnot, and I didn't think twice. It got worse in grade 7 I think when Nicole showed up and we were good friends but we weren't really. She got her boyfriend that year (that she knew I liked) to pretend to like me and pretend to ask me out over MSN (because that was how we communicated back then). Imagine how I felt when I found out it was a joke. Or my "friend" Jill who harassed me constantly calling me fat and stupid online and then in person, pretended it was her "sister" that was online using her account to be mean. Can anyone guess how I felt when a group of boys asked me if I was a "dyke" one day during lunchtime. I didn't even know what that meant at the time. And during those 3 years, I honestly didn't even realize that these things were probably done to me because I didn't look like the other girls. I was about double their size. Pretty "fat". I cried one day because my teacher called my face "round" because she was teaching us the word round in french. I was super aware that I didn't fit the typical female physique for my age and so I decided to make a change at the end of Grade 8. One of my friends in middle school (also not really a friend after all) had a major eating disorder. She didn't eat. She was anorexic. I didn't even realize that was a real thing until I started hanging out with her a lot. Welcome to eating disorders, Sarah.
That was the summer I stopped eating properly. That's the summer that fucked me up for the next 7 year of my life. That sounds pretty severe, doesn't it? It's not that bad, although it kind of is. I wouldn't eat breakfast if I could avoid it. I would eat minimal food for lunch, and then pretend I wasn't hungry at dinner time so that I could eat only half a bowl of rice and get away with it. I started going running. I started becoming emotionally unstable. I can remember hiding food in my room so that food would look like it was eaten and then I'd sneak it into our garbage cans in the back when I found time to do it. One of my memories is sitting on the couch watching TV and the sisters came back from the library with a movie that they wanted to watch. All they wanted to do was watch the darn movie, but apparently it was the end of the world. I cried, went for a run, and I don't think I ate much that day. It felt good. Feeling hungry felt good. That meant I was going to be skinny soon. If I lost weight, everyone would love me in high school. Makes perfect sense.
Except that is exactly what happened. I felt better about myself and therefore was more outgoing when I got to high school. At 120 pounds and 5'3" ish, I looked good and I fit in to the norm. I was skinny. And people liked it. People talked to me, I had friends, I made the volleyball team, I made the basketball team, and life was good. Except I still wasn't eating properly. I threw out sandwiches that mother made me because I didn't want those calories. People liked me when I was skinny. Why would I want to get fat again? But then I would get dizzy spills during sports practices. You'd think that I would realize that something was wrong if that was happening? Nope, I LIKED it. That meant I wasn't eating enough and that made me proud of myself. But this wasn't an everyday thing. This is about the time where I started my binging and then to compensate, I wouldn't eat. It was a cycle. Sometimes I'd eat too much, then I'd "reverse" it by not eating. And it was a problem for 3 years until grade 12 began. I stopped playing sports entirely and started feeling totally happy for the first time. I started dating guys and because I wasn't playing sports, I gained weight. At that time, it didn't matter. I gained about 15 to 20 pounds that year. It didn't bother me. I had real friends that I would hang out with and go out for lunch, and go for coffee and go to Dennys at midnight. It was so much fun. And I had a bit of a meltdown when I realized how "big" my grad dress was going to be, but I was so happy with everything that it didn't really matter all that much.
Flash forward to the week that triggered the return of my unhappiness with my weight. It was the week before my recital for my ARCT. I got sick. Like so sick that I was in bed, couldn't stay awake for much time, couldn't eat, etc. Probably mostly due to stress. Guess who lost 10 pounds in a week and was reminded of how good it is to feel hungry? That's right. And it came back in full effect just in time for university.
First year was a change. I was independent and living in an entirely different city than my parents. I made friends because high school had taught me how to be outgoing. And I started dating Zach. Remember him? I wish I didn't sometimes, but that's a story for another time. I gained weight in just the first few months of living in Lister. Unlimited access to fried foods, chips, kraft dinner, ice cream. Everything I could possibly imagine. A binger's dream. But that weight gain came with feeling incredibly insecure about myself. I was messed up emotionally for the entirety of my relationship with Zach. He moved into my room with me pretty much as soon as we started seeing each other and I lost potential at friendships with other people on my floor (although we were still friends, we didn't have the kind of friendship that I wish had come of living in that first year), mostly because the two of us isolated ourselves from everyone else. I want to say it was his fault, but it was my fault too. People didn't like him. People in general just didn't like him but I loved him, so I spent my entire life with him for those 2 years. And I grew more insecure. I thought people didn't like me because I didn't have friends, not realizing that it was my fault. I gained more weight, and Zach got depressed. A bunch of things happened and in the end, we were both in such a negative mindset that we were feeding off of it from each other. And then came the times I cut myself. That happened a few times through the course of our relationship. I would reach points of such depression that I couldn't get out of bed and I would cry and he would make me so sad that I would turn to physical pain in order to feel less emotional pain. That just isn't normal. But this was the way I felt for 2 years. And in that time period, I battled through eating disorder. I would stop eating for periods of time. I would binge and try to make myself throw up. I drank myself to sleep a few times. It was really just not a good time. And still, I couldn't lose weight even when I was starving myself because I'd gain it back as soon as I started eating again. At that moment, I can truly say that I hated myself in every way possible. Never have I ever felt such self loathing. I have never hated anyone in my life as much as I hated myself during that time. And I never ever want to feel that much hate ever again.
Finally, we broke up. Thank god. Or else I would never be who I am today.
When we broke up, so much clarity came into play. I moved home for the summer and worked at Alberta Environment and that summer was a huge change. I didn't have this negative cloud surrounding me the entire time. People still liked me even though I thought I was fat and ugly. People still talked to me and treated me like a human being. In fact, people seemed to love me, and I realized that it wasn't me, it was how I was perceiving myself that was the huge problem and how that other person in my life wasn't making anything better. I started eating properly (since I was living at home, I got real meals for dinner, had food to feed myself for breakfast and lunch, etc.) and that was also the summer that I started to do yoga. Like I've blogged before, yoga changed my life. But I remember making friends at work that summer. I was suddenly free to do whatever I wanted. I went out to the bars and had a great time. Balance came back into my life. My weight came to it's natural equilibrium, and I felt happy again. Truly happy. I started dating other people and life was fabulous. It was a sudden turn for the best, and everything felt good again. I felt like I recovered from everything. I biked to work sometimes, I did yoga, I had a social life, and I ate properly. It all compounded to a healthy lifestyle, and it felt great.
And since then, I've never been back to that same place. I still hate my body some days. I still don't eat as much as I should some days. I still like feeling hungry. But I know that's not how I should feel. So it helps just to know that it isn't as important as my brain seems to tell me it is. And I've got amazing people in life that help me get through those days. I binge on cookies and then I remember to eat healthy and how much better it makes me feel. I remember that my body shape isn't the same as the stick thin girl that I see at school. I remember that not everybody who stares at me is judging me for being "fat" but maybe their eyes are just in that direction or maybe it's because they think I'm cute or they like the outfit I'm wearing. I know I'm not fat, but I'm always going to have that voice in my head that tells me otherwise. And some days that voice is stronger than on other days. I still eat when I'm stressed. I'm going to gain weight sometimes when life gets overwhelming. But if I try to eat healthy and keep my body physically fit, I can get through it. I'm never going to let myself fall into that depressive state, but some days I feel super shit. It's an ongoing battle and it totally sucks. But that's life. And shit happens, yet life goes on.
I have friends that support me in everything I do. An amazing family that cares about me. And a boyfriend that tells me I'm beautiful every single day of my life. I can feed myself. I have clothes. I have a home. I have running water. The sun rises every single day. And I couldn't ask for anything more. I'm happy but I have those days. We all have those days. But when you have a clear perspective of life, things will be okay. That's what my last 23 years have taught me. Life is what you make it, so why not say fuck it once in a while.
Yesterday, I was talking to my roommate's girlfriend and she mentioned that she battled through anorexia a few years ago and weighed herself the day before and was 150 pounds at about 5'8" I think? And she was saying how she had never weighed that much before in her entire life and wanted to lose weight. How strange is it that we base how we feel on how much a scale says rather than how we feel or look. If we feel healthy and exercise and eat properly but are still a bit on the "chubby" side, why is that a bad thing? It shouldn't be, because the person across the street can be incredibly thin and eat junk food all day and never exercise. It's an incredibly messed up perspective of weight that we have here in North America, and it affects everyone at an early age these days.
Back in the day, when I was about 5 or so, I started over eating. Maybe even at an earlier age than that, but that's pretty much when I start to remember things. My worst memory from childhood is this: We bought girl guide mint thin cookies and I asked the parents if I could have one. They said yes, and so I stuffed one in my mouth and stole another one out of the box and ate TWO cookies. Yes, I said it, TWO whole cookies. And that's my earliest memory of the start of my overeating. Another memory is when I was eating a cheese string and one of the sisters opened a bag of chips. Instead of eating my cheese string by peeling it and enjoying as a cheese string should be eaten, I ate it like a block of cheese so that I could start eating chips asap. Frickin disgusting right? I didn't think so at the time, but when I think back to that moment, I feel repulsed and guilty. Why did I do that to myself when I was younger? Eating was always a boredom or emotional thing. I'm bored? I can entertain myself by eating. I'm feeling stressed or sad or pretty much any negative emotion? Eat. That should solve the problem right? It's so weird that food can make me feel better momentarily. And I say momentarily, because later on, I'm going to regret those chips I ate. That chocolate that I ate. Whatever it was that I stuffed into my mouth and didn't even really taste or enjoy because it was filling the void in my mental state. So this all started in an early age. I was probably overweight by the time I was 6 and in first grade a least. Maybe earlier, I can't really remember, but I can remember being overweight by the time I was in grade 6. And that's when it really started to affect my life.
Middle school kids are assholes. Yes, not mean, not jerks, big fucking Assholes. Not that I realized it at the time, but I know it now. I see the news saying how somebody killed themselves over teasing from their peers because they were gay, didn't look "right", etc. How messed up is that? That other people have that much influence on how someone feels about themselves. Even if you love other girls, you can't 100% ever feel feel comfortable right in today's society because someone is going to give you a look that bothers you one day. Even if it is one look in a year, it's going to affect how you feel to some degree. Same with fat people. "Skinny" people are going to judge those people, even just "thinner" people will judge them. Why are they eating? They should just starve themselves, right? Sure. That's how eating disorders start. You want everyone to get a mental disease just so that people can satisfy the ideal North American look? That's fucked. So here's my story. Throughout grades 6 to 8, I had a good group of friends I guess. I played basketball and volleyball and was friends with Tiff and some of the other girls that I went to elementary school with and whatnot, and I didn't think twice. It got worse in grade 7 I think when Nicole showed up and we were good friends but we weren't really. She got her boyfriend that year (that she knew I liked) to pretend to like me and pretend to ask me out over MSN (because that was how we communicated back then). Imagine how I felt when I found out it was a joke. Or my "friend" Jill who harassed me constantly calling me fat and stupid online and then in person, pretended it was her "sister" that was online using her account to be mean. Can anyone guess how I felt when a group of boys asked me if I was a "dyke" one day during lunchtime. I didn't even know what that meant at the time. And during those 3 years, I honestly didn't even realize that these things were probably done to me because I didn't look like the other girls. I was about double their size. Pretty "fat". I cried one day because my teacher called my face "round" because she was teaching us the word round in french. I was super aware that I didn't fit the typical female physique for my age and so I decided to make a change at the end of Grade 8. One of my friends in middle school (also not really a friend after all) had a major eating disorder. She didn't eat. She was anorexic. I didn't even realize that was a real thing until I started hanging out with her a lot. Welcome to eating disorders, Sarah.
That was the summer I stopped eating properly. That's the summer that fucked me up for the next 7 year of my life. That sounds pretty severe, doesn't it? It's not that bad, although it kind of is. I wouldn't eat breakfast if I could avoid it. I would eat minimal food for lunch, and then pretend I wasn't hungry at dinner time so that I could eat only half a bowl of rice and get away with it. I started going running. I started becoming emotionally unstable. I can remember hiding food in my room so that food would look like it was eaten and then I'd sneak it into our garbage cans in the back when I found time to do it. One of my memories is sitting on the couch watching TV and the sisters came back from the library with a movie that they wanted to watch. All they wanted to do was watch the darn movie, but apparently it was the end of the world. I cried, went for a run, and I don't think I ate much that day. It felt good. Feeling hungry felt good. That meant I was going to be skinny soon. If I lost weight, everyone would love me in high school. Makes perfect sense.
Except that is exactly what happened. I felt better about myself and therefore was more outgoing when I got to high school. At 120 pounds and 5'3" ish, I looked good and I fit in to the norm. I was skinny. And people liked it. People talked to me, I had friends, I made the volleyball team, I made the basketball team, and life was good. Except I still wasn't eating properly. I threw out sandwiches that mother made me because I didn't want those calories. People liked me when I was skinny. Why would I want to get fat again? But then I would get dizzy spills during sports practices. You'd think that I would realize that something was wrong if that was happening? Nope, I LIKED it. That meant I wasn't eating enough and that made me proud of myself. But this wasn't an everyday thing. This is about the time where I started my binging and then to compensate, I wouldn't eat. It was a cycle. Sometimes I'd eat too much, then I'd "reverse" it by not eating. And it was a problem for 3 years until grade 12 began. I stopped playing sports entirely and started feeling totally happy for the first time. I started dating guys and because I wasn't playing sports, I gained weight. At that time, it didn't matter. I gained about 15 to 20 pounds that year. It didn't bother me. I had real friends that I would hang out with and go out for lunch, and go for coffee and go to Dennys at midnight. It was so much fun. And I had a bit of a meltdown when I realized how "big" my grad dress was going to be, but I was so happy with everything that it didn't really matter all that much.
Flash forward to the week that triggered the return of my unhappiness with my weight. It was the week before my recital for my ARCT. I got sick. Like so sick that I was in bed, couldn't stay awake for much time, couldn't eat, etc. Probably mostly due to stress. Guess who lost 10 pounds in a week and was reminded of how good it is to feel hungry? That's right. And it came back in full effect just in time for university.
First year was a change. I was independent and living in an entirely different city than my parents. I made friends because high school had taught me how to be outgoing. And I started dating Zach. Remember him? I wish I didn't sometimes, but that's a story for another time. I gained weight in just the first few months of living in Lister. Unlimited access to fried foods, chips, kraft dinner, ice cream. Everything I could possibly imagine. A binger's dream. But that weight gain came with feeling incredibly insecure about myself. I was messed up emotionally for the entirety of my relationship with Zach. He moved into my room with me pretty much as soon as we started seeing each other and I lost potential at friendships with other people on my floor (although we were still friends, we didn't have the kind of friendship that I wish had come of living in that first year), mostly because the two of us isolated ourselves from everyone else. I want to say it was his fault, but it was my fault too. People didn't like him. People in general just didn't like him but I loved him, so I spent my entire life with him for those 2 years. And I grew more insecure. I thought people didn't like me because I didn't have friends, not realizing that it was my fault. I gained more weight, and Zach got depressed. A bunch of things happened and in the end, we were both in such a negative mindset that we were feeding off of it from each other. And then came the times I cut myself. That happened a few times through the course of our relationship. I would reach points of such depression that I couldn't get out of bed and I would cry and he would make me so sad that I would turn to physical pain in order to feel less emotional pain. That just isn't normal. But this was the way I felt for 2 years. And in that time period, I battled through eating disorder. I would stop eating for periods of time. I would binge and try to make myself throw up. I drank myself to sleep a few times. It was really just not a good time. And still, I couldn't lose weight even when I was starving myself because I'd gain it back as soon as I started eating again. At that moment, I can truly say that I hated myself in every way possible. Never have I ever felt such self loathing. I have never hated anyone in my life as much as I hated myself during that time. And I never ever want to feel that much hate ever again.
Finally, we broke up. Thank god. Or else I would never be who I am today.
When we broke up, so much clarity came into play. I moved home for the summer and worked at Alberta Environment and that summer was a huge change. I didn't have this negative cloud surrounding me the entire time. People still liked me even though I thought I was fat and ugly. People still talked to me and treated me like a human being. In fact, people seemed to love me, and I realized that it wasn't me, it was how I was perceiving myself that was the huge problem and how that other person in my life wasn't making anything better. I started eating properly (since I was living at home, I got real meals for dinner, had food to feed myself for breakfast and lunch, etc.) and that was also the summer that I started to do yoga. Like I've blogged before, yoga changed my life. But I remember making friends at work that summer. I was suddenly free to do whatever I wanted. I went out to the bars and had a great time. Balance came back into my life. My weight came to it's natural equilibrium, and I felt happy again. Truly happy. I started dating other people and life was fabulous. It was a sudden turn for the best, and everything felt good again. I felt like I recovered from everything. I biked to work sometimes, I did yoga, I had a social life, and I ate properly. It all compounded to a healthy lifestyle, and it felt great.
And since then, I've never been back to that same place. I still hate my body some days. I still don't eat as much as I should some days. I still like feeling hungry. But I know that's not how I should feel. So it helps just to know that it isn't as important as my brain seems to tell me it is. And I've got amazing people in life that help me get through those days. I binge on cookies and then I remember to eat healthy and how much better it makes me feel. I remember that my body shape isn't the same as the stick thin girl that I see at school. I remember that not everybody who stares at me is judging me for being "fat" but maybe their eyes are just in that direction or maybe it's because they think I'm cute or they like the outfit I'm wearing. I know I'm not fat, but I'm always going to have that voice in my head that tells me otherwise. And some days that voice is stronger than on other days. I still eat when I'm stressed. I'm going to gain weight sometimes when life gets overwhelming. But if I try to eat healthy and keep my body physically fit, I can get through it. I'm never going to let myself fall into that depressive state, but some days I feel super shit. It's an ongoing battle and it totally sucks. But that's life. And shit happens, yet life goes on.
I have friends that support me in everything I do. An amazing family that cares about me. And a boyfriend that tells me I'm beautiful every single day of my life. I can feed myself. I have clothes. I have a home. I have running water. The sun rises every single day. And I couldn't ask for anything more. I'm happy but I have those days. We all have those days. But when you have a clear perspective of life, things will be okay. That's what my last 23 years have taught me. Life is what you make it, so why not say fuck it once in a while.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Story of my life
After a wonderful weekend in Banff, I was home for a day and then came back to Edmonton and everytime, it seems, that I go home and come back here, I want to just cry for days. I notice the changes in them or I just miss them even though I know they will be there the next time I have time to visit. I just wish I could spend more time with them without actually living with them, you know? It is a weird feeling but I just don't want things to change. I love my family and I love life right now and I just wish it could stay the same forever.
This weekend was great. I got to spend time with Jake and he met Danielle and Aaron and Shawn and we baked cookies and ate cookies and it was relaxing, but I'm suffering from SAD at the moment I think. Also, I think I have anxiety for some reason. I can't sleep through the nights anymore. I woke up with a tight squeezing in my chest and felt really worried and couldn't breathe in the middle of the night last night. I don't know what is going on... It is extremely strange.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Yoga saved my soul
I was in a terrible place at the end of my 3rd year of university.
I was with a horrible person living a horrible life and trying to escape into the life and human being that I wanted to be.
Yoga saved my soul. The power of it's embrace throughout ordinary life fixed everything and gave me clarity.
Breathing through problems, seeing things as moments and letting them go as they pass.
Today, I went to Power House and Joe said something meaningful. We've been taught to hold on to all the anger, the bad things that happen and we don't let them go. That's what yoga has taught me most. The most important thing is being able to breathe through problems and just let them pass as they will.
Shit happens, life goes on.
Things can be worse. Be happy with what you have.
Be the good. Believe there is good.
I was with a horrible person living a horrible life and trying to escape into the life and human being that I wanted to be.
Yoga saved my soul. The power of it's embrace throughout ordinary life fixed everything and gave me clarity.
Breathing through problems, seeing things as moments and letting them go as they pass.
Today, I went to Power House and Joe said something meaningful. We've been taught to hold on to all the anger, the bad things that happen and we don't let them go. That's what yoga has taught me most. The most important thing is being able to breathe through problems and just let them pass as they will.
Shit happens, life goes on.
Things can be worse. Be happy with what you have.
Be the good. Believe there is good.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Snow White
The snow fell this weekend. And it covered the city in a beautiful blanket of white.
Some people complained, some people were happy, some did not even care.
Some wore shorts. Some wore sweaters. Some put on their biggest jackets, scarves, hats, gloves, AND boots.
The trees shook with cold.
Everyone shook with cold.
And the city was calm for a day.
Some people complained, some people were happy, some did not even care.
Some wore shorts. Some wore sweaters. Some put on their biggest jackets, scarves, hats, gloves, AND boots.
The trees shook with cold.
Everyone shook with cold.
And the city was calm for a day.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
What a good weekend
This weekend consisted of going out for Halloween twice. Jake making me breakfast twice. Jake cooking me dinner. Going to About Time (the movie). And sleeping a lot.
Best weekend ever.
So happy.
And relaxed.
I feel lovely :)
Best weekend ever.
So happy.
And relaxed.
I feel lovely :)
Friday, November 1, 2013
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