The more I think about, the more confused about everything I kind of feel, but I get more excited as well.
Looking back on everything that happened over the last year or so, I couldn't have asked for a more life changing kind of experience.
I left Australia with a long distance boyfriend that just did not go well. I watched my first same age friend get married. I discovered the power of yoga. And I discovered so many other things about myself that I didn't know.
I realize now that I love to control everything. I wish I could control every single thing that happened to me at all points in time.. but I can't. Micromanaging is my things, and I realize that I'm really good at it -> potential career in management or something? Perhaps..
I realize that I don't appreciate my alone time enough. Lately I've been spending so much time with Jake that I've actually been stressing myself out without really meaning to. I love hanging out with him, but sometimes it's nice to just sit at home in front of the TV. Fart, laugh, tumbl, text, read magazines, paint my nails, whatever.. by myself and just frickin enjoy how awesome I am.
I realized how much I really want to do the whole societal routine thing. I dooo want to get married and have a life with a dog and a cat with my significant other. I want to own a house with him and plant pretty flowers and decorate the inside of our house with beautiful things that don't match each other and cook and sing and dance when I get home from work... and BAKE. OMG. I want to bake so badly.
I realize that I always expect other people to read my mind. I've recently become a lot more straightforward to people. For a long time, I've just expected people to be kind or to take the kinds of actions I would expect them to, but people don't always have the same ideas that I have. They don't plan 7 days into the future or plan the details of a night to make sure everything gets accomplished. Sometimes I need to make my ideas heard, and I'm starting to get a feel for how to do this in a nice-ish way. Also, sometimes people just need to be told how stupid they are or how not nice their attitude is.
I also hold people to an extremely high standard. At this age, I expect people my age to act with respect to all others. To not be racist, sexist, hold grudges or judge people that are not as well off as they are. Thisss is not an accurate depiction of a lot of people my age. The good ones exceed or meet my expectations. The others, well, either they've chosen to be rude or they were raised a different way than I was. But people are who they are, and I can't change that. I just hold people on this pedestal and expect them to treat everyone as if they were royalty, especially myself, but sometimes I think I need a good slap in the face to show me that I'm not really a princess... I'm just a regular girl! And sometimes I don't treat people as well as I should either, so I should stop being a hypocrite!
Anyways, I'm sure I could go on forever. But this keyboard sucks (I'm using Jake's computer) and also, I should probably go to bed seeing as I have school, choir, work, an 18k run, and a report to finalize tomorrow.
WTF. I know. GOOD NIGHT!
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
THE END IS NEAR!!!
After a delightful weekend at home, I got to thinking about how close I am to just being done everything!!
2 and a half weeks of class left, finishing on April 9. With one class even ending early, possibly by Wednesday next week.
One month from tomorrow, I will have written my final exam of my undergrad education.
2 months from now, I will have started my full time job as an engineer in training.
OMG! My life is getting so exciting.
Things that I am looking forward to:
Summer
MEXICO
Working (ie. my first paycheck!!)
Going to the east coast
Seeing Layla again
Going to the Stampede
Running my first ever half marathon
Doing the MS Bike tour
Continuing yoga practice. I see headstands in the future :)
Potential training for a triathlon
New playlists for running and workouts!
Cleaning the crap out of my room (Goodbye schoolwork!!)
I'm so excited right now. I fluctuate through being scared and being excited about the future. I'm currently super excited. So I'll embrace the feeling :)
2 and a half weeks of class left, finishing on April 9. With one class even ending early, possibly by Wednesday next week.
One month from tomorrow, I will have written my final exam of my undergrad education.
2 months from now, I will have started my full time job as an engineer in training.
OMG! My life is getting so exciting.
Things that I am looking forward to:
Summer
MEXICO
Working (ie. my first paycheck!!)
Going to the east coast
Seeing Layla again
Going to the Stampede
Running my first ever half marathon
Doing the MS Bike tour
Continuing yoga practice. I see headstands in the future :)
Potential training for a triathlon
New playlists for running and workouts!
Cleaning the crap out of my room (Goodbye schoolwork!!)
I'm so excited right now. I fluctuate through being scared and being excited about the future. I'm currently super excited. So I'll embrace the feeling :)
Sunday, March 16, 2014
I like cool things, do you?
Shirts make me giggle. I want them.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Muscles! Urghhh
The best feeling is running 13k and feeling like it was nothing :)
No muscle soreness and not really even that out of breath.
YAY!
Half marathon on April 27. It's going to be fantastic!
No muscle soreness and not really even that out of breath.
YAY!
Half marathon on April 27. It's going to be fantastic!
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
I SEE THE LIGHT!
In more ways than one, I can see the light!
1. The sun has started shining, the snow is melting, and the weather has become a lot lot lot better.
2. I only have a month left until classes are done forever!!!
I can't help but feel relieved after getting my iron ring. Sure, it doesn't mean that I'm completely done and graduated or anything, but it signifies the 4 years of hard work that I've put in, and that I'm nearly at the finish line. Just like running a race, there's a point in the middle where you begin doubting whether or not it was worth it, but when you reach that point where the finish is in sight, you get a bit of rocket fuel and push for the finish.
I absolutely cannot wait to be done school. It was a turbulent 5 (technically 6) years of my life. It had ups and downs, and now there's another phase of life to begin. When school finishes, work starts, and I'm hoping that it is fun and full of new experiences.
Things have calmed down on the social front. I'm spending more time to myself. And training harder for my run. I'm not as focused on yoga these days, but I'll get back into it when time allows. Things with the boyfriend have improved, mostly because I think we are both less grumpy because the weather is getting better. And I'm just feeling a lot better this week about everything. I feel comfortable, yet not too comfortable. There are still things to worry about, but one day at a time.
I need money. Haha. That's my main concern at the moment. But I can survive :)
1. The sun has started shining, the snow is melting, and the weather has become a lot lot lot better.
2. I only have a month left until classes are done forever!!!
I can't help but feel relieved after getting my iron ring. Sure, it doesn't mean that I'm completely done and graduated or anything, but it signifies the 4 years of hard work that I've put in, and that I'm nearly at the finish line. Just like running a race, there's a point in the middle where you begin doubting whether or not it was worth it, but when you reach that point where the finish is in sight, you get a bit of rocket fuel and push for the finish.
I absolutely cannot wait to be done school. It was a turbulent 5 (technically 6) years of my life. It had ups and downs, and now there's another phase of life to begin. When school finishes, work starts, and I'm hoping that it is fun and full of new experiences.
Things have calmed down on the social front. I'm spending more time to myself. And training harder for my run. I'm not as focused on yoga these days, but I'll get back into it when time allows. Things with the boyfriend have improved, mostly because I think we are both less grumpy because the weather is getting better. And I'm just feeling a lot better this week about everything. I feel comfortable, yet not too comfortable. There are still things to worry about, but one day at a time.
I need money. Haha. That's my main concern at the moment. But I can survive :)
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Friday, March 7, 2014
Breakdown and Cry
Happy sad happy sad happy sad.
That is the cycle that seems to be my life right now.
I have a good day or two. And then everything sucks for a day.
I'm so sad almost all the time these days and I have no idea why. It might be the winter blues or maybe it is something deeper than that. Either way, I'm ready for it to go away.
I feel extremely disgusting. I haven't been eating well, but at the same time, I have been running 3 times a week and still going to the gym and yoga, and yet I feel like that isn't enough. That I'm not good enough to be around other people. I feel overwhelmed with this desire to be better. To look better. To be better. And although I should be happy with how I look and what I've accomplished, I feel this push for more.
Lately I've been breaking down crying over absolutely nothing significant. Like Jake will say something and I'll take it the wrong way and start crying or get mad at him and then start crying. It's the most ridiculous thing!
Last night, he was out buying us drinky poos for tomorrow night to celebrate with, and I was mad at him for not being home when I got to his place. And then I had a meltdown by the end of the night because I just felt so undesirable. Like he didn't put his arm around me when we were cuddling on the couch and OH NO it was the end of the world for me. I felt like he was just disgusted with me and didn't want to touch me and I know that's not true whatsoever, but I couldn't help but feel it. I'm just feeling so down and I hate it.
I'm trying to think positive. I'm trying to be happy. And it isn't working.
Ughhhhh.
That is the cycle that seems to be my life right now.
I have a good day or two. And then everything sucks for a day.
I'm so sad almost all the time these days and I have no idea why. It might be the winter blues or maybe it is something deeper than that. Either way, I'm ready for it to go away.
I feel extremely disgusting. I haven't been eating well, but at the same time, I have been running 3 times a week and still going to the gym and yoga, and yet I feel like that isn't enough. That I'm not good enough to be around other people. I feel overwhelmed with this desire to be better. To look better. To be better. And although I should be happy with how I look and what I've accomplished, I feel this push for more.
Lately I've been breaking down crying over absolutely nothing significant. Like Jake will say something and I'll take it the wrong way and start crying or get mad at him and then start crying. It's the most ridiculous thing!
Last night, he was out buying us drinky poos for tomorrow night to celebrate with, and I was mad at him for not being home when I got to his place. And then I had a meltdown by the end of the night because I just felt so undesirable. Like he didn't put his arm around me when we were cuddling on the couch and OH NO it was the end of the world for me. I felt like he was just disgusted with me and didn't want to touch me and I know that's not true whatsoever, but I couldn't help but feel it. I'm just feeling so down and I hate it.
I'm trying to think positive. I'm trying to be happy. And it isn't working.
Ughhhhh.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Now here's the thing about me.
I hate being alone, but I love being alone.
Tonight I'm sitting all alone in my home. Fireplace is on. Chick flick on. And doing headstands during commercial breaks.
Loving it, yet hating it.
I hate that I feel like I'm missing out by not being out dancing or drinking or doing something else. But I hate even more that I feel like I'm crazy for being upset about being alone.
Alone time is healthy, but there is such a social thing about being a loser if you're alone.
Sometimes I don't like people. And sometimes I just want to be alone. I love being alone right now, but I feel like a loser for loving being by myself.
I painted my nails. Probably should do my laundry... Oh well. More headstands :)
Tomorrow is big run day followed by a workshop at MEC about maintaining my bike. Then shopping for a crazy sweater with Jake, and homework and cuddles for the night.
I hate being alone, but I love being alone.
Tonight I'm sitting all alone in my home. Fireplace is on. Chick flick on. And doing headstands during commercial breaks.
Loving it, yet hating it.
I hate that I feel like I'm missing out by not being out dancing or drinking or doing something else. But I hate even more that I feel like I'm crazy for being upset about being alone.
Alone time is healthy, but there is such a social thing about being a loser if you're alone.
Sometimes I don't like people. And sometimes I just want to be alone. I love being alone right now, but I feel like a loser for loving being by myself.
I painted my nails. Probably should do my laundry... Oh well. More headstands :)
Tomorrow is big run day followed by a workshop at MEC about maintaining my bike. Then shopping for a crazy sweater with Jake, and homework and cuddles for the night.
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