Happy sad happy sad happy sad.
That is the cycle that seems to be my life right now.
I have a good day or two. And then everything sucks for a day.
I'm so sad almost all the time these days and I have no idea why. It might be the winter blues or maybe it is something deeper than that. Either way, I'm ready for it to go away.
I feel extremely disgusting. I haven't been eating well, but at the same time, I have been running 3 times a week and still going to the gym and yoga, and yet I feel like that isn't enough. That I'm not good enough to be around other people. I feel overwhelmed with this desire to be better. To look better. To be better. And although I should be happy with how I look and what I've accomplished, I feel this push for more.
Lately I've been breaking down crying over absolutely nothing significant. Like Jake will say something and I'll take it the wrong way and start crying or get mad at him and then start crying. It's the most ridiculous thing!
Last night, he was out buying us drinky poos for tomorrow night to celebrate with, and I was mad at him for not being home when I got to his place. And then I had a meltdown by the end of the night because I just felt so undesirable. Like he didn't put his arm around me when we were cuddling on the couch and OH NO it was the end of the world for me. I felt like he was just disgusted with me and didn't want to touch me and I know that's not true whatsoever, but I couldn't help but feel it. I'm just feeling so down and I hate it.
I'm trying to think positive. I'm trying to be happy. And it isn't working.
Ughhhhh.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Now here's the thing about me.
I hate being alone, but I love being alone.
Tonight I'm sitting all alone in my home. Fireplace is on. Chick flick on. And doing headstands during commercial breaks.
Loving it, yet hating it.
I hate that I feel like I'm missing out by not being out dancing or drinking or doing something else. But I hate even more that I feel like I'm crazy for being upset about being alone.
Alone time is healthy, but there is such a social thing about being a loser if you're alone.
Sometimes I don't like people. And sometimes I just want to be alone. I love being alone right now, but I feel like a loser for loving being by myself.
I painted my nails. Probably should do my laundry... Oh well. More headstands :)
Tomorrow is big run day followed by a workshop at MEC about maintaining my bike. Then shopping for a crazy sweater with Jake, and homework and cuddles for the night.
I hate being alone, but I love being alone.
Tonight I'm sitting all alone in my home. Fireplace is on. Chick flick on. And doing headstands during commercial breaks.
Loving it, yet hating it.
I hate that I feel like I'm missing out by not being out dancing or drinking or doing something else. But I hate even more that I feel like I'm crazy for being upset about being alone.
Alone time is healthy, but there is such a social thing about being a loser if you're alone.
Sometimes I don't like people. And sometimes I just want to be alone. I love being alone right now, but I feel like a loser for loving being by myself.
I painted my nails. Probably should do my laundry... Oh well. More headstands :)
Tomorrow is big run day followed by a workshop at MEC about maintaining my bike. Then shopping for a crazy sweater with Jake, and homework and cuddles for the night.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Dee dee daaa laaa la la la
Braaaaaaaap!
Yesterday, I was in my bathroom and then I turned off the light and walked out and it was around 6:30 so it was pretty much dark. And Jake jumped out and scared me. And I screamed, covered my face with my hands and started crying. OMG. What happens if someone actually tries to jump me?! Am I just going to stand still and start crying? When did I get so jumpy? Ai ya.
Last week was the best thing ever. Reading week is meant to give students a much needed break so that they can make it through the second semester of post-sec. It definitely revitalized me! I worked 36 hours in four days, watched Olympics, hung out with the boyfriend, and just enjoyed myself. It was soooo nice not to have to think about going to school or even see people at school. I think I just hate the atmosphere of school. I love the campus, it's super pretty. I hate the stressed atmosphere and the unhappiness that lingers in the buildings. I've found that I've become increasingly sensitive to the way that people feel. If someone has something bothering them, I tend to feel it. And if they are happy, I feed off it. Being at school is like being surrounded by mist at a dance club. It's fun for a bit because you get to enjoy the atmosphere, but then the smell hits you and the fact that you can't see anything starts to piss you off. It's the same at school. I like seeing the friendly smiles and people having fun, but then you see the people crying over bad grades or studying for 12 hours a day or the people who are so stuck on doing well that they are alone... It's hard not to see past happy when you've been on campus for so long and have experienced the other realm where people are travelling and doing nothing overly productive for a year. I hate it! I can't wait to be done.
This week has been going a lot better. Reading week capped off with Amanda staying over and it was the bestest! I love having girly sleepovers :)
But I got some homework done early this week. Got back on track with running and working out and yoga. Met an awesome girl on Wednesday that I trained for volunteering at the studio. I have a midterm today, and then I'm free for the weekend! Except I have a 7 hour school related workshop tomorrow :( But you know, I'll enjoy it since there will be no homework attached to it, plus it's on the weekend! I don't know why, but things on Saturday or Sunday always just feel more relaxed. It's all mental, I know!
Not even remotely stressed for my midterm. It's worth 26% of my mark. I don't care because it's my last semester, and I'm pretty sure my grades aren't going to be the best this semester anyways. I expect solid B+ average :) Not like that's even bad!
Anywho, I have a midterm next Thursday and then midterms are done. Then it's the final stretch. One more month pretty much. Classes finish on April 9 and I could not be more excited. Already, I've been planning what I'm going to do when classes finish and what I'm going to do with my two weeks off after school is done completely and I'm not in Mexico. Mountains? Hang out here and yoga my heart out? Gosh, there are so many things that I could potentially do. :)
Here's a cheers to life and all the potential that we have!
Remember to breathe and let go of the things that aren't positive in your life.
Yesterday, I was in my bathroom and then I turned off the light and walked out and it was around 6:30 so it was pretty much dark. And Jake jumped out and scared me. And I screamed, covered my face with my hands and started crying. OMG. What happens if someone actually tries to jump me?! Am I just going to stand still and start crying? When did I get so jumpy? Ai ya.
Last week was the best thing ever. Reading week is meant to give students a much needed break so that they can make it through the second semester of post-sec. It definitely revitalized me! I worked 36 hours in four days, watched Olympics, hung out with the boyfriend, and just enjoyed myself. It was soooo nice not to have to think about going to school or even see people at school. I think I just hate the atmosphere of school. I love the campus, it's super pretty. I hate the stressed atmosphere and the unhappiness that lingers in the buildings. I've found that I've become increasingly sensitive to the way that people feel. If someone has something bothering them, I tend to feel it. And if they are happy, I feed off it. Being at school is like being surrounded by mist at a dance club. It's fun for a bit because you get to enjoy the atmosphere, but then the smell hits you and the fact that you can't see anything starts to piss you off. It's the same at school. I like seeing the friendly smiles and people having fun, but then you see the people crying over bad grades or studying for 12 hours a day or the people who are so stuck on doing well that they are alone... It's hard not to see past happy when you've been on campus for so long and have experienced the other realm where people are travelling and doing nothing overly productive for a year. I hate it! I can't wait to be done.
This week has been going a lot better. Reading week capped off with Amanda staying over and it was the bestest! I love having girly sleepovers :)
But I got some homework done early this week. Got back on track with running and working out and yoga. Met an awesome girl on Wednesday that I trained for volunteering at the studio. I have a midterm today, and then I'm free for the weekend! Except I have a 7 hour school related workshop tomorrow :( But you know, I'll enjoy it since there will be no homework attached to it, plus it's on the weekend! I don't know why, but things on Saturday or Sunday always just feel more relaxed. It's all mental, I know!
Not even remotely stressed for my midterm. It's worth 26% of my mark. I don't care because it's my last semester, and I'm pretty sure my grades aren't going to be the best this semester anyways. I expect solid B+ average :) Not like that's even bad!
Anywho, I have a midterm next Thursday and then midterms are done. Then it's the final stretch. One more month pretty much. Classes finish on April 9 and I could not be more excited. Already, I've been planning what I'm going to do when classes finish and what I'm going to do with my two weeks off after school is done completely and I'm not in Mexico. Mountains? Hang out here and yoga my heart out? Gosh, there are so many things that I could potentially do. :)
Here's a cheers to life and all the potential that we have!
Remember to breathe and let go of the things that aren't positive in your life.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Mental Meltdown
The winter is killing me. My emotional stability is at an all time low.
And I'm wondering what the efffffff is wrong with me.
But you know, it might not be the winter. I might be making poor decisions.
I should be staying at my own home at night and waking up to my therapy lamp, coffee, and tumblr. Instead, I give those lovely things up for a night over at Jake's. And it doesn't feel good to wake up there.
To not get my therapy lamp, my meditation daily, and my coffee and tumblr and youtube videos.
I'm an extrovert with introverted tendencies.
I love to be energetic and laugh and have fun, but in the mornings, I want to be alone.
It's good to be alone sometimes I guess. Sometimes I cling too much at the wrong things.
Yesterday, I couldn't even make it through class. I came home after my 2nd class and skipped my third and laid in bed and cried. Oops.
Why? I hate one guy in my group project. Jake isn't hanging out with me on Valentines day. I have no money. I want to be done school and just sleep forever.
I don't know why I dwell so much on little things. I just do. It sucks but it is what it is. I try really hard not to, but when my brain doesn't have anything else to think about, it gets sad. :(
And I'm wondering what the efffffff is wrong with me.
But you know, it might not be the winter. I might be making poor decisions.
I should be staying at my own home at night and waking up to my therapy lamp, coffee, and tumblr. Instead, I give those lovely things up for a night over at Jake's. And it doesn't feel good to wake up there.
To not get my therapy lamp, my meditation daily, and my coffee and tumblr and youtube videos.
I'm an extrovert with introverted tendencies.
I love to be energetic and laugh and have fun, but in the mornings, I want to be alone.
It's good to be alone sometimes I guess. Sometimes I cling too much at the wrong things.
Yesterday, I couldn't even make it through class. I came home after my 2nd class and skipped my third and laid in bed and cried. Oops.
Why? I hate one guy in my group project. Jake isn't hanging out with me on Valentines day. I have no money. I want to be done school and just sleep forever.
I don't know why I dwell so much on little things. I just do. It sucks but it is what it is. I try really hard not to, but when my brain doesn't have anything else to think about, it gets sad. :(
Monday, February 10, 2014
The Olympics
Although I haven't been watching at all, I'm still proud of Canada doing so well in the first few days of the Olympics :) So proud to be Canadian always!
Friday, February 7, 2014
Oh my deary me
I just thought I got caught on a string or rope or something, and then I realized it was just my side braid hanging over my shoulder and touching my arm... -_-
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
4 blocks away
So Jake got evicted from his apartment and has moved into a new apartment only 4 blocks away from me! Super convenient :)
His apartment is pretty small, but I think it's almost the perfect size for one person. Enough space to move around, but not so much space that it becomes lonely. It has this horrible yet lovely dark fuschia-red carpet and it is cozy but sooooo not a man color.
His building has a swimming pool and hot tub, sauna, and a workout room. It is super convenient for him to do everything in which is great :)
I like him being so close! Plus I get to use his hot tub.
On Friday night, he got drunky drunky and got emotional... again! He told me on Sunday that he never got emotional when he drank before, and for some reason he is these days. I think life has been pretty hard on him. His job is extremely unorganized, and he is working nights, but can't seem to fall asleep during the day. So he doesn't sleep and is constantly tired all the time and I think it's wearing him down!
But basically he confessed that he moved into this apartment with the main factor that I was walking distance away. EEP! That's cute. But he always also says that I'm far too good for him and that I'll leave him eventually so he doesn't know why he keeps thinking things will last. SIGHHH. So insecure, that boy.
Confession!!! I haven't really told anyone, but he was once married and has a child. She is in Halifax with her mother's family. Big news, but I knew pretty much right when we met, so I guess that it's good that he told me... Things that adults have to deal with, right?
His apartment is pretty small, but I think it's almost the perfect size for one person. Enough space to move around, but not so much space that it becomes lonely. It has this horrible yet lovely dark fuschia-red carpet and it is cozy but sooooo not a man color.
His building has a swimming pool and hot tub, sauna, and a workout room. It is super convenient for him to do everything in which is great :)
I like him being so close! Plus I get to use his hot tub.
On Friday night, he got drunky drunky and got emotional... again! He told me on Sunday that he never got emotional when he drank before, and for some reason he is these days. I think life has been pretty hard on him. His job is extremely unorganized, and he is working nights, but can't seem to fall asleep during the day. So he doesn't sleep and is constantly tired all the time and I think it's wearing him down!
But basically he confessed that he moved into this apartment with the main factor that I was walking distance away. EEP! That's cute. But he always also says that I'm far too good for him and that I'll leave him eventually so he doesn't know why he keeps thinking things will last. SIGHHH. So insecure, that boy.
Confession!!! I haven't really told anyone, but he was once married and has a child. She is in Halifax with her mother's family. Big news, but I knew pretty much right when we met, so I guess that it's good that he told me... Things that adults have to deal with, right?
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