The more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm becoming the same person my mother is when it comes to relationship.
I'm sure they had their happy times, but lately their relationship is my mother being mad and my dad loving her but knowing that she is insane... and just letting it be.
It's so crazy because I see that now so clearly that I am that person in every single way. I want things to do be done my way. He does this, I hate it and so I get mad, but it's a preference thing, and I really don't need to be mad. He can't read my mind, but I expect him too and I just get annoyed and frustrated and upset and I read into so many situations that are not anything more than a simple mix up or a incorrectly phrased joke or whatever.
Why is it that I dwell so much on these little things? I get so angry for no reason. And I know I do, yet I still do it.
Today, I was pissed off because this morning, my law teacher made an extremely sexist comment. Later Jake was telling me about how he bugs his coworker about being 'such a girl' or something like that, and I got super irritated with him. On other days, I probably just would have laughed, but it bothered me sooooo much today and I got so mad for no reason. Of course, I got over it, but I feel like all these little things are going to accumulate in hatred towards a person for no reason.
It's just a bad aura that is starting to come into my being. I hate it and I need to start committing myself to letting things slide and believing things to be innocent when they really are.
Eep. I need help...
On another note, I was super tired from not sleeping and Jake was super drunk and everything is fine now. I'm just really good at overreacting these days. I have not felt like myself since last Friday. Something is up with me. I need to figure out what it is.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Worst night ever
Went to the Golder Winter party.
Got drunk. Jake got drunk.
Apparently I said something wrong and he got pissed off at me and now I can't sleep. I've been up since midnight and I hate my life right now.
I didn't realize someone could be so good and so bad for me at the same time.
I don't know what to do. On one side, I think I should break up with him.
On the other, I think I might be over reacting.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
Got drunk. Jake got drunk.
Apparently I said something wrong and he got pissed off at me and now I can't sleep. I've been up since midnight and I hate my life right now.
I didn't realize someone could be so good and so bad for me at the same time.
I don't know what to do. On one side, I think I should break up with him.
On the other, I think I might be over reacting.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
It's January 18 and already I'm overwhelmed!
BLAH! Haha. I feel like screaming and just letting it all go. It's not that being overwhelmed for me is even a bad thing. It's almost like I enjoy doing too many things at once, because then procrastination is just so much more fun.
When Jake was out of town in Conklin last week, I felt like I had all the time in the world to get everything done. Since I started school again, I've been going to bed at around 11 p.m. and waking up at 6:30 a.m. everyday. It has been magnificent. I never felt better. By the time Saturday rolled around last weekend, I felt amazing. I also had been eating very healthily with lots of fruits and vegetables and no junk food or deep friend things. I also started training for my half marathon, so logging approximately 20 km a week and also doing yoga 3 or 4 times a week plus a visit or 2 to the gym. So busy busy being active and productive.
Then Jake came back and everything changed! It's not that I like him being gone, it's that I like him being gone. HAHA. If you backtracked on that sentence, no I didn't make a mistake, I meant it to say the same thing twice.
Pros to Jake being gone: I'm super productive, have time to myself, get my homework done, go to yoga, stick to my schedule, eat healthy.
Cons to Jake being gone: He's gone and I miss him.
SO as you can see, I liked him being gone but was sad that he was gone all the same. It's just that now that he's back, I feel like my schedule is just so altered. If I stay at his place, he doesn't leave for work until 7 and then I need to start my morning routine about 45 minutes late. If he stays at my place, he wakes up half an hour too early and throws off my sleeping pattern. Plus I don't sleep as well when he is there. It's just not the same as the peace of being alone in bed. Also, I like doing yoga every night. If I do yoga for about an hour or an hour and a half at night time, I still have 4 or so hours to get everything else done if I have the night to myself. With Jake around, I end up spending time with him, or I skip yoga to hang out with him so that I have time for everything else after. I wish I had an extra 3 hours a day or something!
Another problem is that at this exact moment in time, I'm obsessed with yoga. Not only the asana (or postures) but the mental side to it all as well, such as meditation, learning about the chakras, the limbs, and ayurveda. And because I like to spend free time with Jake, I give that time up that I could be spending reading about these things. I would almost rather prioritize yoga over Jake because I feel like it's a real passion.
It stresses me out when I can't go to yoga, but then it stresses me out even more when I go to yoga because then Jake assumes that I just don't want to see him and feels ignored or whatever. It's hard to compromise. Like really difficult!
I hope that going to work in May makes things a bit easier. Although I have work for more time than school everyday, I have that time at night to unwind and relax. Hopefully do yoga and spend time with him AND still have time for my reading and being alone. It will be nice to go home at the end of the day and not have any homework to do.
On the topic of work, I've unofficially accepted their offer and will be starting work on May 20! EEP! Time to make some money and feel less broke. I feel like my first days come at a good time too, because it will be time to buy some summer clothes. TEEHEHE. I can't wait to spend some money on shopping. It's been a long time since I haven't been stressing out about money. It will be nice to lose that stress.
Also, I think I have been getting hives from stress. Today, I was just sitting in the yoga studio, and a big massive red lump appeared on my left shoulder. It is not very itchy, but extremely irritated. Earlier this year, I got two on my leg and they have been recurring issues for a while. I wonder if they are stress bumps! Hopefully nothing medically bad though. That would be horrible.
Anyways, I think I have said enough for the day! Ta ta for now. Have a beautiful week ladies!
When Jake was out of town in Conklin last week, I felt like I had all the time in the world to get everything done. Since I started school again, I've been going to bed at around 11 p.m. and waking up at 6:30 a.m. everyday. It has been magnificent. I never felt better. By the time Saturday rolled around last weekend, I felt amazing. I also had been eating very healthily with lots of fruits and vegetables and no junk food or deep friend things. I also started training for my half marathon, so logging approximately 20 km a week and also doing yoga 3 or 4 times a week plus a visit or 2 to the gym. So busy busy being active and productive.
Then Jake came back and everything changed! It's not that I like him being gone, it's that I like him being gone. HAHA. If you backtracked on that sentence, no I didn't make a mistake, I meant it to say the same thing twice.
Pros to Jake being gone: I'm super productive, have time to myself, get my homework done, go to yoga, stick to my schedule, eat healthy.
Cons to Jake being gone: He's gone and I miss him.
SO as you can see, I liked him being gone but was sad that he was gone all the same. It's just that now that he's back, I feel like my schedule is just so altered. If I stay at his place, he doesn't leave for work until 7 and then I need to start my morning routine about 45 minutes late. If he stays at my place, he wakes up half an hour too early and throws off my sleeping pattern. Plus I don't sleep as well when he is there. It's just not the same as the peace of being alone in bed. Also, I like doing yoga every night. If I do yoga for about an hour or an hour and a half at night time, I still have 4 or so hours to get everything else done if I have the night to myself. With Jake around, I end up spending time with him, or I skip yoga to hang out with him so that I have time for everything else after. I wish I had an extra 3 hours a day or something!
Another problem is that at this exact moment in time, I'm obsessed with yoga. Not only the asana (or postures) but the mental side to it all as well, such as meditation, learning about the chakras, the limbs, and ayurveda. And because I like to spend free time with Jake, I give that time up that I could be spending reading about these things. I would almost rather prioritize yoga over Jake because I feel like it's a real passion.
It stresses me out when I can't go to yoga, but then it stresses me out even more when I go to yoga because then Jake assumes that I just don't want to see him and feels ignored or whatever. It's hard to compromise. Like really difficult!
I hope that going to work in May makes things a bit easier. Although I have work for more time than school everyday, I have that time at night to unwind and relax. Hopefully do yoga and spend time with him AND still have time for my reading and being alone. It will be nice to go home at the end of the day and not have any homework to do.
On the topic of work, I've unofficially accepted their offer and will be starting work on May 20! EEP! Time to make some money and feel less broke. I feel like my first days come at a good time too, because it will be time to buy some summer clothes. TEEHEHE. I can't wait to spend some money on shopping. It's been a long time since I haven't been stressing out about money. It will be nice to lose that stress.
Also, I think I have been getting hives from stress. Today, I was just sitting in the yoga studio, and a big massive red lump appeared on my left shoulder. It is not very itchy, but extremely irritated. Earlier this year, I got two on my leg and they have been recurring issues for a while. I wonder if they are stress bumps! Hopefully nothing medically bad though. That would be horrible.
Anyways, I think I have said enough for the day! Ta ta for now. Have a beautiful week ladies!
Friday, January 10, 2014
Moving Practice beyond Posture
So before when I was doing yoga, I was practicing in order to get some physical activity and relaxation out of it. Recently, it has become so much more than that.
Reading about yoga and zen lifestyle has brought me to a completely different place I feel, and I'm loving it.
Meditations from the Mat and various other books that I've read in the last months make me want to move past just the physical aspects of the yogi lifestyle and into the total spiritual practice as well.
What strikes me in a really cool way is the fact that the first two 'limbs' of yoga, the yamas and niyamas are basically the 10 commandments of yoga. Sort of like 10 commandments in the bible or whatever the heck it is. Rules to follow:
Non-violence, truthfulness, non-stealing, sexual responsibility, abstention from greed. Cleanliness, contentment, austerity, self-study, surrender to god.
These are the 5 yamas and 5 niyamas. Sounds pretty good to me :)
Reading about yoga and zen lifestyle has brought me to a completely different place I feel, and I'm loving it.
Meditations from the Mat and various other books that I've read in the last months make me want to move past just the physical aspects of the yogi lifestyle and into the total spiritual practice as well.
What strikes me in a really cool way is the fact that the first two 'limbs' of yoga, the yamas and niyamas are basically the 10 commandments of yoga. Sort of like 10 commandments in the bible or whatever the heck it is. Rules to follow:
Non-violence, truthfulness, non-stealing, sexual responsibility, abstention from greed. Cleanliness, contentment, austerity, self-study, surrender to god.
These are the 5 yamas and 5 niyamas. Sounds pretty good to me :)
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Friday, January 3, 2014
Happy New Year
Hello! It is the new year and I still feel the same. What up with that right?
So far this week, all I've done is eat, sleep, yoga, run, and cuddle with the boyfriend while watching movies. It has been really great and I loved it. No better way to ring in the new year than to relax and enjoy life with a loved one :)
On New Years Eve, we went to some gross hick bar to have a drink with his friends and I wanted to shoot myself in the face because they were ignorant red necks that yelled and screamed about things I yelled and screamed about when I was 16. They were all older than me and it bothered me so I suffered for about an hour and half and then we left because I had frowny face on. Haha. Then we went home and talked and headed to the fireworks at Churchill Square which were perfect. It was weird. When the new year hit, I had this sudden flash of love for everything that happened this year. It was such an amazing year, and I'm going to live this year even better than the last.
These are the key points of my 2013 year:
So far this week, all I've done is eat, sleep, yoga, run, and cuddle with the boyfriend while watching movies. It has been really great and I loved it. No better way to ring in the new year than to relax and enjoy life with a loved one :)
On New Years Eve, we went to some gross hick bar to have a drink with his friends and I wanted to shoot myself in the face because they were ignorant red necks that yelled and screamed about things I yelled and screamed about when I was 16. They were all older than me and it bothered me so I suffered for about an hour and half and then we left because I had frowny face on. Haha. Then we went home and talked and headed to the fireworks at Churchill Square which were perfect. It was weird. When the new year hit, I had this sudden flash of love for everything that happened this year. It was such an amazing year, and I'm going to live this year even better than the last.
These are the key points of my 2013 year:
- Spent 5 months in Australia
- Got my dive instructors
- Went to Vietnam, South Korea, and Hong Kong
- Went to Danielle's wedding
- Finished my 2nd last semester of undergrad
- Got a job at the company I've wanted to work for since 2nd year
- Met a wonderful boy
- Got back into yoga
- Discovered my love of reading
- Gained more self confidence
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