Okay, I can deal with this.

Home for the holidays!

After a very busy week of this and that, I am finally at home for the holidays! One week of family time :)

Last week was really fun! I spent my Sunday at a meeting with the yoga people, then dinner with Danielle! Monday was a pretty relaxing day of work, then mall, then volunteering at the yoga studio.
Tuesday, Jake and I drove to Red Deer, he made a non-impression on the family, and then we headed to Calgary to see Lauren! Calgary on Wednesday and back to Edmonton on Thursday. We stopped at the Donut Mill for deliciousness on the way back to Edmonton. Then I went to Clever Rabbit and Candy Cane Lane with Elizabeth! Rachelle was in town on Thursday so she stayed at my home Thursday and Friday nights and we hung out and drank and then she parted for home on Saturday. Saturday was gingerbread house making day and a free concert with Mardy at night time.
Sunday I drove home!
I'm glad to be home. I think it's about time to disconnect with some media.

January is going to be grand. I've decided it's time to detox. No junk food. No overly processed foods. Yoga galore. No drinking. Time to start running again!
Jake just took a job in Grand Prairie so he won't be around much, which gives me so much more time to focus on me and being the quiet me that I want to be. Hehe.
Also, that means yoga 7 times a week pretty much. I'm really looking forward to improving my practice :)

Some writing

So I was cleaning my room tonight and I found an old written blog post that I wrote in class when I was bored. I decided to type it up and post it:

Everyday in yoga, instructors tell the class 'set your intention'. And many people settle on something like, I will breath throughout my practice, or I will not push myself for pride, and other things like that. But what if we set our intention on aspects of outside life too? Like I will smile at everyone today, or I will love myself entirely. If we follow through with our intention and become a bit better of a person everyday  and if we recognize how good that feels, we could be a lot happier.
On Saturday, I watched "About Time" where one of the major lessons is entirely just appreciating life for exactly what it gives you, living everyday as though you have no stress and no rush. Whatever happens will happen, and if you accept that, life suddenly feels a hell of a lot better. Nothing is holding you back from living life completely in freedom except you. You create the barriers within your life and therefore you live with the consequences. Now think about your day. Were you rushing somewhere and didn't hold that door open for the next person? Di you make a rude comment to someone because you they didn't do something right? Did you not smile at that girl because you were too busy staring at your phone? Did you get stressed out because your bus was late? Etc.
All these emotions come from your perception of the situation. If we breathe, relax, enjoy every single moment and STOP thinking about time, we suddenly have a few seconds to make someone's day better, be nicer to people, and love our own lives a bit more. True happiness lies within self love and gratitude, but in order to do this, we must first realize what is truly important.

What more can I dooooo.. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU

So today I had an interesting experience!
I found out that my building's water heaters are all not working except one, the emergency one.
That means all the people in our condo are sharing a bit of hot water.
I turned on the shower this afternoon in attempt to have a nice shower, and the water was cold!!!
I felt greasy, but I decided not to take a cold shower and went to a meeting at the yoga studio and to dinner with Danielle, and then when I got home, I decided to try again.
The water wasn't hot, but it wasn't cold, so I climbed in. BRRRRR!!!!
And then about 3/4 of the way through my shower, the water suddenly got nice and toasty!
I actually screamed from excitement and cheered.
If I just got that excited and grateful for all the things that we seem to take for granted in our lives, we would be a lot happier people!
Think about it :)

Money

Now that I'm almost done school and ready to start working full-time, this subject seems to come up quite a bit... MONEY.
To me, success means having a good relationship with family and friends and being happy with life in general. To others, success means making lots of money and having material objects to show for it.

Today I was hanging out with Abhishek and his friend Kan, and their definition of success was money. Owning their own business, making 500 thousand dollars a year. They believe that in order to be happy, they must first be 'successful'.
Both of them believe that success comes before finding a nice girl to be with, and that with their success, comes meeting girls and finding their future wife.
It was really strange to hear these things, because they conflict so much with my definition of happiness and success. And what I want to do with my life.
When asked what I would do with a thousand dollars a day for the rest of my life, I said I would keep whatever I could live comfortably off of, and donate the rest to charity and then volunteer to help others.
I feel like if someone were giving me money and I didn't really do anything for it, why not share it with others?
Their money would be spent on buying houses and cars so they could show off how successful they are.
I feel like that's just so wrong. And maybe I'm too opinionated about that subject, but I guess that's how it is. I have really strong opinions and I express them and that makes me a very unlikeable person sometimes.
Sorry. Blah.
It's just one of those days. I'm tired, apparently I've said the 'wrong things' to my boyfriend, and I wish that I could feel good about being done exams, but I'm not.
I feel like nothing special happened today. I've gotten to the point where I'm feeling numb again.

I desire someone to make me these and make me happy in the morning :)

Bitch

Some days I am a bitch.
Today I want nothing to do with people.
I will continue to make people feel bad until they feel as bad as me.
Don't talk to me today.
ROAR.

Finding happiness

I've noticed that yoga for me is beyond the physical.
It's a way to wander into my mental world and absorb what has happened and move on.
During practice, I find that although my mind is mostly clear, it still thinks about little things that have bothered me, and I find that those things seem to disappear out of my mind after practice. Suddenly it seems insignificant and so small in comparison to the rest of the world.
It's so funny because when instructors speak about life during the class, it always seems to correlate with my life so well. But then I realize that everyone goes through the same things that I am going through. The ups and downs, although to different degrees, are experienced by each and every one of us, and through yoga, we can learn to embrace the mentality of just letting things go that are beyond our control or are in the past.
Yesterday morning, Tasha told us to ground through our feet and think about something that we needed to let go of, and to let it drain out of us through our bodies and out of our feet.
It's as simple as that sometimes to let things go.

I've noticed a change in myself. Although I was so down a few days ago, and for the last two months, I hadn't felt that great, I realize that I need to let things go. And I realize that I've had an easier time letting things go. My exam didn't go that well on Monday, and I didn't hold onto that feeling, I just let it go and moved on. But there are things that I need to let go. Like wanting to be carefree for the rest of life. That's never going to happen and I can't just run back to Cairns every time I feel overwhelmed. Things aren't going to be perfect all the time, but it's how I choose to react to the situation that determines the outcome. I can embrace and move on, or I can deny and fight. Sometimes, it's a hell of a lot easier to just accept and move on.

Zen and All

Today I did not want to study.
So I didn't.
Rather than stress myself out about grades and school and whatever, I went to yoga this morning.
Then I went to Second Cup and grabbed a latte for only 3.50 hehe.
Then I got books at the library.
Then I read my book and let my mind wander.
Then I tried to study.
Then I went to yoga again.
Now I'm ready for bed.
Exam is tomorrow at 9 a.m.

Oops... HEHE. Guess I shouldn't expect a good grade in this class.

4 more days!!

And my second last semester of undergrad will be complete :)
This makes me happy:

It was the one A I knew I could guarantee myself if I tried hard enough :)

So even though it isn't even time for New Years Resolutions, I've had a really hard last couple of weeks, and I want to make sure that I don't fall into that same burnt out routine next semester.
Since it is my absolute last semester, I am going to make sure it is the best semester that I've ever had!
So these are the things that I want to make sure I do early next year:

1) Chakras class with Tasha
2) Keep karmi-ing so that I can do yoga at least 3 times a week.
3) Start training for my half marathon that is officially on April 27.
4) Do the MS Bike Tour.
5) Stop binge drinking.
6) Take time to myself and relax at home when I can.
7) Explore restaurants in Edmonton!

These things will hopefully keep me a little bit more sane... I hope!

It's too much

Everything feels wrong.
Today I felt so exhausted that I could barely get myself out of bed and I had to take a nap halfway through the day.
I didn't feel like socializing with my coworkers at the comedy show.
I felt like I was experiencing my body outside of myself.
My laughs were fake.
My conversations full of fake sincerity.
When I first got there, I ran to the bathroom and cried to prepare myself for the next 3 hours of faking being happy.
I don't think I can handle life.
It all feels so wrong.
The only time I feel really happy is when I see my family, my really good friends, or my boyfriend.
The other times, I'm just putting on an act.
I don't know what happened.
I am so happy and so sad at the same time.
I'm stressed out, tired, sick of superficial people and two faced-ness. I'm sick of drama over nothing.
But most of all, I'm sick of feeling sick of everything.
What the heck, eh?

Exhausted

Emotionally, mentally, physically drained...
I find it hard to get out of bed in the mornings.
I don't feel like talking to people.
My body just says no to everything.
I think it is time to go to sleep and never to wake up.

And as per usual, I can't wait to get through the month so that the new year can bring new things :)

And beyond

Alexa was sobbing loudly after her practice today.

Too much stress for her to bear. No money for her to spend. Too much stress for no reward.

She is being ripped off by the owner of the yoga studio. She is the manager and gets paid minimum wage to do far too much work for an unorganized person.

And I can see it building up into a giant ball of stress.

We hold stress in our bodies in many different ways. In our shoulders, in our appetites, in our hips, in our joints, in our minds, in our teeth. We deal with it by yelling at people, by exercising, by eating, by not eating, by talking. And yet, we all have those moments where it becomes too much for one to hold in. A tidal wave rolls in, and we succumb to our despair. If only we had a little more time. We wouldn't be so stressed to get from one place to another. If only this person did this, then we would have been done already. If only I had done this, I wouldn't be where I am now. Too many ifs, not enough acceptance. Things are what they are. Sometimes, as much as we try, situations are out of our control. We just can't change things, and that's where we get our strength. We accept, we maneuver, and we learn. If we had a little more time, society would eventually get to this point again where we try to make ourselves so busy that we have no time to relax. We would still live our world in a daze of being absorbed in our phones, our computers, our televisions. If that person had done that task, something else might have been thrown in your face, or maybe they just had too much on their plate. Sometimes you need to take a step back and realize that maybe you've bitten off more than you can chew.

We spend too much time worrying about what other people think. Why is it a bad thing to relax on a Friday night? Why can't I eat at a restaurant by myself? Why do you feel sorry for me that I have to watch a movie alone?

Too much judgement. And too much caring about that judgement.

Live your life as you want to live it. And who cares what they think. All that matters is what you think.

Tasha

My favorite yoga instructor always knows what to say.
Today I was heading to her class and decided to stop in Tin Box to look at things and ran into her! She was doing some last minute shopping before class too. Haha.
She is super cute and lovely and I want to be her.

Kids

Today is one of those days where I wish the world would just disappear. That I would be back in Australia on a quiet day on Reefkist, jumping into the water and being in peace and quiet and nature for an hour.

I miss it every single day and it's starting to tear me apart.

I love being here. I love working and life and everything, but it's stressful and I can't handle my emotions here.

There, I was free to do whatever and be a kid. I want to be a kid again. No responsibilities, no worries, just living happily and in the moment.

And the countdown begins!!

I can feel the Christmas joy all around and it is spreading through my veins and annoying all the people around me!
The problem is that I assume that everyone has a family that they get to share their love with on this special day, but in reality, a lot of people don't! And to some people, it's just another day.
I see Christmas as family time, for smiling, laughing, eating, and loving each other and truly appreciating each other's company. Poor Jake doesn't have that because his family is on the east coast and he can't afford to fly out there nor does his family get along nearly as well as mine!
It's too bad that no one gets the experience that I do... Oh what to do! What to do!

I went to the festival of trees yesterday and made a mini tree! Well actually I just decorated it :) Elizabeth took pictures of me in action!

So I left this tree on the table in our living room, and Roy isn't overly a Christmas person, so he put a plastic bag over it during the night and put a note with a big smiley face on it beside!!!!

HAHAHAHA. It was so funny. I left the tree there to spite him. Teehehehe.

Can't wait to go home for Christmas. I'm already counting down the days :)