Saturday, May 17, 2014
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Sunday, April 27, 2014
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Good things happen to good people
You always see the message, or hear the words, or watch on screen, that 'things happen for a reason'.
To me, things do happen for a reason. Perhaps it's not truly that there was a reason for things, but it's how you accept what happens in life and make yourself better from them. I was horribly stalking this girl that is from Red Deer, and her sister was killed at a young age by a drunk driver. Not only has she moved forwards from this, but she keeps her sister as a reminder of how good things in life can be gone and to enjoy them while you can. And there's the silver lining. Although the death of her sister is by no means a good thing, it can create a positive mindset for those close to her. There's a change that can be made to the mentality when bad things happen and positive things can blossom from it.
I believe very strongly that good things happen to good people. And the opposite, that bad things happen to bad people. Nice people often also have more patience and have better intentions, and thus stay less stressed out about things than others. Therefore, when one thing goes bad, they accept and adjust as much as possible to make sure other things happen as planned and that no one gets disappointed, and these people act less selfishly when things don't go their way. On the other hand, bad people get frustrated and angry when things don't go their way. Then they get stressed and it happens in a chain reaction where more and more bad things seem to happen, because they see all the negatives in everything. It's not bad luck in my mind. It's that challenges come faster and harder for those who care less about others and too much about themselves.
Not that you can't be selfish at all. But there is a balance, as there is with everything else in life it seems. Balance is key. And too much of one thing can lead to not so good things.
To me, things do happen for a reason. Perhaps it's not truly that there was a reason for things, but it's how you accept what happens in life and make yourself better from them. I was horribly stalking this girl that is from Red Deer, and her sister was killed at a young age by a drunk driver. Not only has she moved forwards from this, but she keeps her sister as a reminder of how good things in life can be gone and to enjoy them while you can. And there's the silver lining. Although the death of her sister is by no means a good thing, it can create a positive mindset for those close to her. There's a change that can be made to the mentality when bad things happen and positive things can blossom from it.
I believe very strongly that good things happen to good people. And the opposite, that bad things happen to bad people. Nice people often also have more patience and have better intentions, and thus stay less stressed out about things than others. Therefore, when one thing goes bad, they accept and adjust as much as possible to make sure other things happen as planned and that no one gets disappointed, and these people act less selfishly when things don't go their way. On the other hand, bad people get frustrated and angry when things don't go their way. Then they get stressed and it happens in a chain reaction where more and more bad things seem to happen, because they see all the negatives in everything. It's not bad luck in my mind. It's that challenges come faster and harder for those who care less about others and too much about themselves.
Not that you can't be selfish at all. But there is a balance, as there is with everything else in life it seems. Balance is key. And too much of one thing can lead to not so good things.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Monday, April 14, 2014
I'm an old folk
Bob Dylan, Peter, Paul and Mary... I am a big fan of the folk music at this exact moment.
I watched Inside Llewyn Davis and fell back in love...
I'm sick of top 40s. I like me some country and some folk :)
Also, Jake listens to purely party reggae and electronic dance. It is the worst.
I watched Inside Llewyn Davis and fell back in love...
I'm sick of top 40s. I like me some country and some folk :)
Also, Jake listens to purely party reggae and electronic dance. It is the worst.
4 exams to go
Two exams on Tuesday, one on Thursday, one on the 26th, and then my undergraduate career is over forever!!
Hurray. I can't wait to be done!!
Then I run my half, Fiona comes here, then MEXICO!
So lately I've been really stressed out all the time, and by lately I mean like the last 3 months or so. And I've been taking it out a lot on Jake. But also, I feel like I'm not overly freaking out about anything super serious or super not worth freaking out about. Like when I go over to his place, sometimes he barely acknowledges that I'm even there. Or like he will just be on his phone the whole time when we go do stuff. Or he complains about how boring something is after I tell him he probably won't like it but then says he will go for me because I want to. Other things are that he seems to enjoy flirting with girls a bit too much, or continues to talk to girls that clearly want him as more than a friend. Sighhh. Lately we have been fighting a lot. We nearly broke up about 2 weeks ago, and I don't know.
I was talking to Mandy about it this weekend and she basically asked me if maybe I was just in it because it was convenient. I think that might be the case, but I also really like him. But then we were talking more and I realize that basically no matter what, it won't work out long term anyways. There are just so many differences between us that make it seem less and less feasible. Elizabeth keeps telling me that he is just so young, and I think that's a big thing too, is that he has a young brain and he isn't as in tune with everything as he could be, to think critically about things instead of just saying fuck it.
It's just kind of strange, because things were so much better around Christmas time and they've gone so far downhill from there in not a very long time at all. A huge change was when he moved into his new apartment. He suddenly got a lot closer, and stopped making an effort to come see me at my home and instead just stayed at home waiting for me to go over there. A lack of effort in my mind means a lack of caring. And he just seems to not want to take me out anywhere. Lately, I know it has probably been a lot my fault too because of my lack of suggestions, but we just sit around at home instead of going anywhere and doing at least something. Perhaps it was the winter that threw it off, but I miss doing things. Like going out for drinks at the pub or shopping or concerts or just for a walk in general. There is just a total lack of motivation from him that freaks me out, because it reminds me so much of Zach. This is how it went with Zach too. We would do things, but then by the end of our relationship, he got fat and lazy... Ughhhh. Jake is getting fat and lazy. Blahhhh.
And then there is our taste in things to do in general. He likes to go out and get drunk with his friends and plan everything last minute. I like to go do yoga, grab tea and a nice dinner with my friends and plan everything at least a week in advance. These types of activities don't really fit together well. I like going to hockey games, he doesn't watch hockey. I like to stay active and wander outside, he likes to stay inside unless it is over 25 degrees outside. I want to walk to the movie theatre, he wants to drive because it's 'so far away'. (i.e. 4 blocks from his apartment). He complains about how shitty everything is, and it starts to rub off on me and I complain about how shitty he is being. Haha. Life in Edmonton is what you make of it. I love it when I have the right friends around me and the right attitude. I can see how someone could get bored here or hate the people. I remember one of the first conversations we had was about the culture in Edmonton. I love it because of the Fringe, the diversity, the constant family events and the farmers market and the cute local cafes that serve the most delicious breakfast. And he thinks everyone here is a bunch of hick town people with closed minds. I know he isn't from here, but it's a pretty big deal when you constantly judge people without actually getting to know them...
I know I like to complain, so these are things I just really needed to get off my chest! It doesn't mean our relationship is over. I'm going to wait until after Mexico happens to really sort everything out.. I think 2 weeks away from each other while Fiona is here and I'm on vacation will really help clear my mind and either it will bring us closer together or we will end up breaking up. It's kind of a hard thing. The school stress has really made it a lot harder on me to look at everything clearly. I'm always stressed out and I think that's the reason why all these things bother me, but at the same time, maybe I'm not actually getting treated the way I should be. It's hard to know what it looks like from an outsider's perspective, but hopefully after exams, I'll be more happy and figure out what I need!!
EEEEE!!!!!!!!! Only two weeks left til the end!!!!!
Hurray. I can't wait to be done!!
Then I run my half, Fiona comes here, then MEXICO!
So lately I've been really stressed out all the time, and by lately I mean like the last 3 months or so. And I've been taking it out a lot on Jake. But also, I feel like I'm not overly freaking out about anything super serious or super not worth freaking out about. Like when I go over to his place, sometimes he barely acknowledges that I'm even there. Or like he will just be on his phone the whole time when we go do stuff. Or he complains about how boring something is after I tell him he probably won't like it but then says he will go for me because I want to. Other things are that he seems to enjoy flirting with girls a bit too much, or continues to talk to girls that clearly want him as more than a friend. Sighhh. Lately we have been fighting a lot. We nearly broke up about 2 weeks ago, and I don't know.
I was talking to Mandy about it this weekend and she basically asked me if maybe I was just in it because it was convenient. I think that might be the case, but I also really like him. But then we were talking more and I realize that basically no matter what, it won't work out long term anyways. There are just so many differences between us that make it seem less and less feasible. Elizabeth keeps telling me that he is just so young, and I think that's a big thing too, is that he has a young brain and he isn't as in tune with everything as he could be, to think critically about things instead of just saying fuck it.
It's just kind of strange, because things were so much better around Christmas time and they've gone so far downhill from there in not a very long time at all. A huge change was when he moved into his new apartment. He suddenly got a lot closer, and stopped making an effort to come see me at my home and instead just stayed at home waiting for me to go over there. A lack of effort in my mind means a lack of caring. And he just seems to not want to take me out anywhere. Lately, I know it has probably been a lot my fault too because of my lack of suggestions, but we just sit around at home instead of going anywhere and doing at least something. Perhaps it was the winter that threw it off, but I miss doing things. Like going out for drinks at the pub or shopping or concerts or just for a walk in general. There is just a total lack of motivation from him that freaks me out, because it reminds me so much of Zach. This is how it went with Zach too. We would do things, but then by the end of our relationship, he got fat and lazy... Ughhhh. Jake is getting fat and lazy. Blahhhh.
And then there is our taste in things to do in general. He likes to go out and get drunk with his friends and plan everything last minute. I like to go do yoga, grab tea and a nice dinner with my friends and plan everything at least a week in advance. These types of activities don't really fit together well. I like going to hockey games, he doesn't watch hockey. I like to stay active and wander outside, he likes to stay inside unless it is over 25 degrees outside. I want to walk to the movie theatre, he wants to drive because it's 'so far away'. (i.e. 4 blocks from his apartment). He complains about how shitty everything is, and it starts to rub off on me and I complain about how shitty he is being. Haha. Life in Edmonton is what you make of it. I love it when I have the right friends around me and the right attitude. I can see how someone could get bored here or hate the people. I remember one of the first conversations we had was about the culture in Edmonton. I love it because of the Fringe, the diversity, the constant family events and the farmers market and the cute local cafes that serve the most delicious breakfast. And he thinks everyone here is a bunch of hick town people with closed minds. I know he isn't from here, but it's a pretty big deal when you constantly judge people without actually getting to know them...
I know I like to complain, so these are things I just really needed to get off my chest! It doesn't mean our relationship is over. I'm going to wait until after Mexico happens to really sort everything out.. I think 2 weeks away from each other while Fiona is here and I'm on vacation will really help clear my mind and either it will bring us closer together or we will end up breaking up. It's kind of a hard thing. The school stress has really made it a lot harder on me to look at everything clearly. I'm always stressed out and I think that's the reason why all these things bother me, but at the same time, maybe I'm not actually getting treated the way I should be. It's hard to know what it looks like from an outsider's perspective, but hopefully after exams, I'll be more happy and figure out what I need!!
EEEEE!!!!!!!!! Only two weeks left til the end!!!!!
Friday, April 11, 2014
MEOW
HALLELUJAH!!!! I am done my final presentation for geotech!!!
Our presentation went well, I'm done classes, and only 4 exams away from completing my undergrad.
OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!
Our presentation went well, I'm done classes, and only 4 exams away from completing my undergrad.
OMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Hm. Growing up
The more I think about, the more confused about everything I kind of feel, but I get more excited as well.
Looking back on everything that happened over the last year or so, I couldn't have asked for a more life changing kind of experience.
I left Australia with a long distance boyfriend that just did not go well. I watched my first same age friend get married. I discovered the power of yoga. And I discovered so many other things about myself that I didn't know.
I realize now that I love to control everything. I wish I could control every single thing that happened to me at all points in time.. but I can't. Micromanaging is my things, and I realize that I'm really good at it -> potential career in management or something? Perhaps..
I realize that I don't appreciate my alone time enough. Lately I've been spending so much time with Jake that I've actually been stressing myself out without really meaning to. I love hanging out with him, but sometimes it's nice to just sit at home in front of the TV. Fart, laugh, tumbl, text, read magazines, paint my nails, whatever.. by myself and just frickin enjoy how awesome I am.
I realized how much I really want to do the whole societal routine thing. I dooo want to get married and have a life with a dog and a cat with my significant other. I want to own a house with him and plant pretty flowers and decorate the inside of our house with beautiful things that don't match each other and cook and sing and dance when I get home from work... and BAKE. OMG. I want to bake so badly.
I realize that I always expect other people to read my mind. I've recently become a lot more straightforward to people. For a long time, I've just expected people to be kind or to take the kinds of actions I would expect them to, but people don't always have the same ideas that I have. They don't plan 7 days into the future or plan the details of a night to make sure everything gets accomplished. Sometimes I need to make my ideas heard, and I'm starting to get a feel for how to do this in a nice-ish way. Also, sometimes people just need to be told how stupid they are or how not nice their attitude is.
I also hold people to an extremely high standard. At this age, I expect people my age to act with respect to all others. To not be racist, sexist, hold grudges or judge people that are not as well off as they are. Thisss is not an accurate depiction of a lot of people my age. The good ones exceed or meet my expectations. The others, well, either they've chosen to be rude or they were raised a different way than I was. But people are who they are, and I can't change that. I just hold people on this pedestal and expect them to treat everyone as if they were royalty, especially myself, but sometimes I think I need a good slap in the face to show me that I'm not really a princess... I'm just a regular girl! And sometimes I don't treat people as well as I should either, so I should stop being a hypocrite!
Anyways, I'm sure I could go on forever. But this keyboard sucks (I'm using Jake's computer) and also, I should probably go to bed seeing as I have school, choir, work, an 18k run, and a report to finalize tomorrow.
WTF. I know. GOOD NIGHT!
Looking back on everything that happened over the last year or so, I couldn't have asked for a more life changing kind of experience.
I left Australia with a long distance boyfriend that just did not go well. I watched my first same age friend get married. I discovered the power of yoga. And I discovered so many other things about myself that I didn't know.
I realize now that I love to control everything. I wish I could control every single thing that happened to me at all points in time.. but I can't. Micromanaging is my things, and I realize that I'm really good at it -> potential career in management or something? Perhaps..
I realize that I don't appreciate my alone time enough. Lately I've been spending so much time with Jake that I've actually been stressing myself out without really meaning to. I love hanging out with him, but sometimes it's nice to just sit at home in front of the TV. Fart, laugh, tumbl, text, read magazines, paint my nails, whatever.. by myself and just frickin enjoy how awesome I am.
I realized how much I really want to do the whole societal routine thing. I dooo want to get married and have a life with a dog and a cat with my significant other. I want to own a house with him and plant pretty flowers and decorate the inside of our house with beautiful things that don't match each other and cook and sing and dance when I get home from work... and BAKE. OMG. I want to bake so badly.
I realize that I always expect other people to read my mind. I've recently become a lot more straightforward to people. For a long time, I've just expected people to be kind or to take the kinds of actions I would expect them to, but people don't always have the same ideas that I have. They don't plan 7 days into the future or plan the details of a night to make sure everything gets accomplished. Sometimes I need to make my ideas heard, and I'm starting to get a feel for how to do this in a nice-ish way. Also, sometimes people just need to be told how stupid they are or how not nice their attitude is.
I also hold people to an extremely high standard. At this age, I expect people my age to act with respect to all others. To not be racist, sexist, hold grudges or judge people that are not as well off as they are. Thisss is not an accurate depiction of a lot of people my age. The good ones exceed or meet my expectations. The others, well, either they've chosen to be rude or they were raised a different way than I was. But people are who they are, and I can't change that. I just hold people on this pedestal and expect them to treat everyone as if they were royalty, especially myself, but sometimes I think I need a good slap in the face to show me that I'm not really a princess... I'm just a regular girl! And sometimes I don't treat people as well as I should either, so I should stop being a hypocrite!
Anyways, I'm sure I could go on forever. But this keyboard sucks (I'm using Jake's computer) and also, I should probably go to bed seeing as I have school, choir, work, an 18k run, and a report to finalize tomorrow.
WTF. I know. GOOD NIGHT!
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
THE END IS NEAR!!!
After a delightful weekend at home, I got to thinking about how close I am to just being done everything!!
2 and a half weeks of class left, finishing on April 9. With one class even ending early, possibly by Wednesday next week.
One month from tomorrow, I will have written my final exam of my undergrad education.
2 months from now, I will have started my full time job as an engineer in training.
OMG! My life is getting so exciting.
Things that I am looking forward to:
Summer
MEXICO
Working (ie. my first paycheck!!)
Going to the east coast
Seeing Layla again
Going to the Stampede
Running my first ever half marathon
Doing the MS Bike tour
Continuing yoga practice. I see headstands in the future :)
Potential training for a triathlon
New playlists for running and workouts!
Cleaning the crap out of my room (Goodbye schoolwork!!)
I'm so excited right now. I fluctuate through being scared and being excited about the future. I'm currently super excited. So I'll embrace the feeling :)
2 and a half weeks of class left, finishing on April 9. With one class even ending early, possibly by Wednesday next week.
One month from tomorrow, I will have written my final exam of my undergrad education.
2 months from now, I will have started my full time job as an engineer in training.
OMG! My life is getting so exciting.
Things that I am looking forward to:
Summer
MEXICO
Working (ie. my first paycheck!!)
Going to the east coast
Seeing Layla again
Going to the Stampede
Running my first ever half marathon
Doing the MS Bike tour
Continuing yoga practice. I see headstands in the future :)
Potential training for a triathlon
New playlists for running and workouts!
Cleaning the crap out of my room (Goodbye schoolwork!!)
I'm so excited right now. I fluctuate through being scared and being excited about the future. I'm currently super excited. So I'll embrace the feeling :)
Sunday, March 16, 2014
I like cool things, do you?
Shirts make me giggle. I want them.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
Muscles! Urghhh
The best feeling is running 13k and feeling like it was nothing :)
No muscle soreness and not really even that out of breath.
YAY!
Half marathon on April 27. It's going to be fantastic!
No muscle soreness and not really even that out of breath.
YAY!
Half marathon on April 27. It's going to be fantastic!
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
I SEE THE LIGHT!
In more ways than one, I can see the light!
1. The sun has started shining, the snow is melting, and the weather has become a lot lot lot better.
2. I only have a month left until classes are done forever!!!
I can't help but feel relieved after getting my iron ring. Sure, it doesn't mean that I'm completely done and graduated or anything, but it signifies the 4 years of hard work that I've put in, and that I'm nearly at the finish line. Just like running a race, there's a point in the middle where you begin doubting whether or not it was worth it, but when you reach that point where the finish is in sight, you get a bit of rocket fuel and push for the finish.
I absolutely cannot wait to be done school. It was a turbulent 5 (technically 6) years of my life. It had ups and downs, and now there's another phase of life to begin. When school finishes, work starts, and I'm hoping that it is fun and full of new experiences.
Things have calmed down on the social front. I'm spending more time to myself. And training harder for my run. I'm not as focused on yoga these days, but I'll get back into it when time allows. Things with the boyfriend have improved, mostly because I think we are both less grumpy because the weather is getting better. And I'm just feeling a lot better this week about everything. I feel comfortable, yet not too comfortable. There are still things to worry about, but one day at a time.
I need money. Haha. That's my main concern at the moment. But I can survive :)
1. The sun has started shining, the snow is melting, and the weather has become a lot lot lot better.
2. I only have a month left until classes are done forever!!!
I can't help but feel relieved after getting my iron ring. Sure, it doesn't mean that I'm completely done and graduated or anything, but it signifies the 4 years of hard work that I've put in, and that I'm nearly at the finish line. Just like running a race, there's a point in the middle where you begin doubting whether or not it was worth it, but when you reach that point where the finish is in sight, you get a bit of rocket fuel and push for the finish.
I absolutely cannot wait to be done school. It was a turbulent 5 (technically 6) years of my life. It had ups and downs, and now there's another phase of life to begin. When school finishes, work starts, and I'm hoping that it is fun and full of new experiences.
Things have calmed down on the social front. I'm spending more time to myself. And training harder for my run. I'm not as focused on yoga these days, but I'll get back into it when time allows. Things with the boyfriend have improved, mostly because I think we are both less grumpy because the weather is getting better. And I'm just feeling a lot better this week about everything. I feel comfortable, yet not too comfortable. There are still things to worry about, but one day at a time.
I need money. Haha. That's my main concern at the moment. But I can survive :)
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Friday, March 7, 2014
Breakdown and Cry
Happy sad happy sad happy sad.
That is the cycle that seems to be my life right now.
I have a good day or two. And then everything sucks for a day.
I'm so sad almost all the time these days and I have no idea why. It might be the winter blues or maybe it is something deeper than that. Either way, I'm ready for it to go away.
I feel extremely disgusting. I haven't been eating well, but at the same time, I have been running 3 times a week and still going to the gym and yoga, and yet I feel like that isn't enough. That I'm not good enough to be around other people. I feel overwhelmed with this desire to be better. To look better. To be better. And although I should be happy with how I look and what I've accomplished, I feel this push for more.
Lately I've been breaking down crying over absolutely nothing significant. Like Jake will say something and I'll take it the wrong way and start crying or get mad at him and then start crying. It's the most ridiculous thing!
Last night, he was out buying us drinky poos for tomorrow night to celebrate with, and I was mad at him for not being home when I got to his place. And then I had a meltdown by the end of the night because I just felt so undesirable. Like he didn't put his arm around me when we were cuddling on the couch and OH NO it was the end of the world for me. I felt like he was just disgusted with me and didn't want to touch me and I know that's not true whatsoever, but I couldn't help but feel it. I'm just feeling so down and I hate it.
I'm trying to think positive. I'm trying to be happy. And it isn't working.
Ughhhhh.
That is the cycle that seems to be my life right now.
I have a good day or two. And then everything sucks for a day.
I'm so sad almost all the time these days and I have no idea why. It might be the winter blues or maybe it is something deeper than that. Either way, I'm ready for it to go away.
I feel extremely disgusting. I haven't been eating well, but at the same time, I have been running 3 times a week and still going to the gym and yoga, and yet I feel like that isn't enough. That I'm not good enough to be around other people. I feel overwhelmed with this desire to be better. To look better. To be better. And although I should be happy with how I look and what I've accomplished, I feel this push for more.
Lately I've been breaking down crying over absolutely nothing significant. Like Jake will say something and I'll take it the wrong way and start crying or get mad at him and then start crying. It's the most ridiculous thing!
Last night, he was out buying us drinky poos for tomorrow night to celebrate with, and I was mad at him for not being home when I got to his place. And then I had a meltdown by the end of the night because I just felt so undesirable. Like he didn't put his arm around me when we were cuddling on the couch and OH NO it was the end of the world for me. I felt like he was just disgusted with me and didn't want to touch me and I know that's not true whatsoever, but I couldn't help but feel it. I'm just feeling so down and I hate it.
I'm trying to think positive. I'm trying to be happy. And it isn't working.
Ughhhhh.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Now here's the thing about me.
I hate being alone, but I love being alone.
Tonight I'm sitting all alone in my home. Fireplace is on. Chick flick on. And doing headstands during commercial breaks.
Loving it, yet hating it.
I hate that I feel like I'm missing out by not being out dancing or drinking or doing something else. But I hate even more that I feel like I'm crazy for being upset about being alone.
Alone time is healthy, but there is such a social thing about being a loser if you're alone.
Sometimes I don't like people. And sometimes I just want to be alone. I love being alone right now, but I feel like a loser for loving being by myself.
I painted my nails. Probably should do my laundry... Oh well. More headstands :)
Tomorrow is big run day followed by a workshop at MEC about maintaining my bike. Then shopping for a crazy sweater with Jake, and homework and cuddles for the night.
I hate being alone, but I love being alone.
Tonight I'm sitting all alone in my home. Fireplace is on. Chick flick on. And doing headstands during commercial breaks.
Loving it, yet hating it.
I hate that I feel like I'm missing out by not being out dancing or drinking or doing something else. But I hate even more that I feel like I'm crazy for being upset about being alone.
Alone time is healthy, but there is such a social thing about being a loser if you're alone.
Sometimes I don't like people. And sometimes I just want to be alone. I love being alone right now, but I feel like a loser for loving being by myself.
I painted my nails. Probably should do my laundry... Oh well. More headstands :)
Tomorrow is big run day followed by a workshop at MEC about maintaining my bike. Then shopping for a crazy sweater with Jake, and homework and cuddles for the night.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Dee dee daaa laaa la la la
Braaaaaaaap!
Yesterday, I was in my bathroom and then I turned off the light and walked out and it was around 6:30 so it was pretty much dark. And Jake jumped out and scared me. And I screamed, covered my face with my hands and started crying. OMG. What happens if someone actually tries to jump me?! Am I just going to stand still and start crying? When did I get so jumpy? Ai ya.
Last week was the best thing ever. Reading week is meant to give students a much needed break so that they can make it through the second semester of post-sec. It definitely revitalized me! I worked 36 hours in four days, watched Olympics, hung out with the boyfriend, and just enjoyed myself. It was soooo nice not to have to think about going to school or even see people at school. I think I just hate the atmosphere of school. I love the campus, it's super pretty. I hate the stressed atmosphere and the unhappiness that lingers in the buildings. I've found that I've become increasingly sensitive to the way that people feel. If someone has something bothering them, I tend to feel it. And if they are happy, I feed off it. Being at school is like being surrounded by mist at a dance club. It's fun for a bit because you get to enjoy the atmosphere, but then the smell hits you and the fact that you can't see anything starts to piss you off. It's the same at school. I like seeing the friendly smiles and people having fun, but then you see the people crying over bad grades or studying for 12 hours a day or the people who are so stuck on doing well that they are alone... It's hard not to see past happy when you've been on campus for so long and have experienced the other realm where people are travelling and doing nothing overly productive for a year. I hate it! I can't wait to be done.
This week has been going a lot better. Reading week capped off with Amanda staying over and it was the bestest! I love having girly sleepovers :)
But I got some homework done early this week. Got back on track with running and working out and yoga. Met an awesome girl on Wednesday that I trained for volunteering at the studio. I have a midterm today, and then I'm free for the weekend! Except I have a 7 hour school related workshop tomorrow :( But you know, I'll enjoy it since there will be no homework attached to it, plus it's on the weekend! I don't know why, but things on Saturday or Sunday always just feel more relaxed. It's all mental, I know!
Not even remotely stressed for my midterm. It's worth 26% of my mark. I don't care because it's my last semester, and I'm pretty sure my grades aren't going to be the best this semester anyways. I expect solid B+ average :) Not like that's even bad!
Anywho, I have a midterm next Thursday and then midterms are done. Then it's the final stretch. One more month pretty much. Classes finish on April 9 and I could not be more excited. Already, I've been planning what I'm going to do when classes finish and what I'm going to do with my two weeks off after school is done completely and I'm not in Mexico. Mountains? Hang out here and yoga my heart out? Gosh, there are so many things that I could potentially do. :)
Here's a cheers to life and all the potential that we have!
Remember to breathe and let go of the things that aren't positive in your life.
Yesterday, I was in my bathroom and then I turned off the light and walked out and it was around 6:30 so it was pretty much dark. And Jake jumped out and scared me. And I screamed, covered my face with my hands and started crying. OMG. What happens if someone actually tries to jump me?! Am I just going to stand still and start crying? When did I get so jumpy? Ai ya.
Last week was the best thing ever. Reading week is meant to give students a much needed break so that they can make it through the second semester of post-sec. It definitely revitalized me! I worked 36 hours in four days, watched Olympics, hung out with the boyfriend, and just enjoyed myself. It was soooo nice not to have to think about going to school or even see people at school. I think I just hate the atmosphere of school. I love the campus, it's super pretty. I hate the stressed atmosphere and the unhappiness that lingers in the buildings. I've found that I've become increasingly sensitive to the way that people feel. If someone has something bothering them, I tend to feel it. And if they are happy, I feed off it. Being at school is like being surrounded by mist at a dance club. It's fun for a bit because you get to enjoy the atmosphere, but then the smell hits you and the fact that you can't see anything starts to piss you off. It's the same at school. I like seeing the friendly smiles and people having fun, but then you see the people crying over bad grades or studying for 12 hours a day or the people who are so stuck on doing well that they are alone... It's hard not to see past happy when you've been on campus for so long and have experienced the other realm where people are travelling and doing nothing overly productive for a year. I hate it! I can't wait to be done.
This week has been going a lot better. Reading week capped off with Amanda staying over and it was the bestest! I love having girly sleepovers :)
But I got some homework done early this week. Got back on track with running and working out and yoga. Met an awesome girl on Wednesday that I trained for volunteering at the studio. I have a midterm today, and then I'm free for the weekend! Except I have a 7 hour school related workshop tomorrow :( But you know, I'll enjoy it since there will be no homework attached to it, plus it's on the weekend! I don't know why, but things on Saturday or Sunday always just feel more relaxed. It's all mental, I know!
Not even remotely stressed for my midterm. It's worth 26% of my mark. I don't care because it's my last semester, and I'm pretty sure my grades aren't going to be the best this semester anyways. I expect solid B+ average :) Not like that's even bad!
Anywho, I have a midterm next Thursday and then midterms are done. Then it's the final stretch. One more month pretty much. Classes finish on April 9 and I could not be more excited. Already, I've been planning what I'm going to do when classes finish and what I'm going to do with my two weeks off after school is done completely and I'm not in Mexico. Mountains? Hang out here and yoga my heart out? Gosh, there are so many things that I could potentially do. :)
Here's a cheers to life and all the potential that we have!
Remember to breathe and let go of the things that aren't positive in your life.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Mental Meltdown
The winter is killing me. My emotional stability is at an all time low.
And I'm wondering what the efffffff is wrong with me.
But you know, it might not be the winter. I might be making poor decisions.
I should be staying at my own home at night and waking up to my therapy lamp, coffee, and tumblr. Instead, I give those lovely things up for a night over at Jake's. And it doesn't feel good to wake up there.
To not get my therapy lamp, my meditation daily, and my coffee and tumblr and youtube videos.
I'm an extrovert with introverted tendencies.
I love to be energetic and laugh and have fun, but in the mornings, I want to be alone.
It's good to be alone sometimes I guess. Sometimes I cling too much at the wrong things.
Yesterday, I couldn't even make it through class. I came home after my 2nd class and skipped my third and laid in bed and cried. Oops.
Why? I hate one guy in my group project. Jake isn't hanging out with me on Valentines day. I have no money. I want to be done school and just sleep forever.
I don't know why I dwell so much on little things. I just do. It sucks but it is what it is. I try really hard not to, but when my brain doesn't have anything else to think about, it gets sad. :(
And I'm wondering what the efffffff is wrong with me.
But you know, it might not be the winter. I might be making poor decisions.
I should be staying at my own home at night and waking up to my therapy lamp, coffee, and tumblr. Instead, I give those lovely things up for a night over at Jake's. And it doesn't feel good to wake up there.
To not get my therapy lamp, my meditation daily, and my coffee and tumblr and youtube videos.
I'm an extrovert with introverted tendencies.
I love to be energetic and laugh and have fun, but in the mornings, I want to be alone.
It's good to be alone sometimes I guess. Sometimes I cling too much at the wrong things.
Yesterday, I couldn't even make it through class. I came home after my 2nd class and skipped my third and laid in bed and cried. Oops.
Why? I hate one guy in my group project. Jake isn't hanging out with me on Valentines day. I have no money. I want to be done school and just sleep forever.
I don't know why I dwell so much on little things. I just do. It sucks but it is what it is. I try really hard not to, but when my brain doesn't have anything else to think about, it gets sad. :(
Monday, February 10, 2014
The Olympics
Although I haven't been watching at all, I'm still proud of Canada doing so well in the first few days of the Olympics :) So proud to be Canadian always!
Friday, February 7, 2014
Oh my deary me
I just thought I got caught on a string or rope or something, and then I realized it was just my side braid hanging over my shoulder and touching my arm... -_-
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
4 blocks away
So Jake got evicted from his apartment and has moved into a new apartment only 4 blocks away from me! Super convenient :)
His apartment is pretty small, but I think it's almost the perfect size for one person. Enough space to move around, but not so much space that it becomes lonely. It has this horrible yet lovely dark fuschia-red carpet and it is cozy but sooooo not a man color.
His building has a swimming pool and hot tub, sauna, and a workout room. It is super convenient for him to do everything in which is great :)
I like him being so close! Plus I get to use his hot tub.
On Friday night, he got drunky drunky and got emotional... again! He told me on Sunday that he never got emotional when he drank before, and for some reason he is these days. I think life has been pretty hard on him. His job is extremely unorganized, and he is working nights, but can't seem to fall asleep during the day. So he doesn't sleep and is constantly tired all the time and I think it's wearing him down!
But basically he confessed that he moved into this apartment with the main factor that I was walking distance away. EEP! That's cute. But he always also says that I'm far too good for him and that I'll leave him eventually so he doesn't know why he keeps thinking things will last. SIGHHH. So insecure, that boy.
Confession!!! I haven't really told anyone, but he was once married and has a child. She is in Halifax with her mother's family. Big news, but I knew pretty much right when we met, so I guess that it's good that he told me... Things that adults have to deal with, right?
His apartment is pretty small, but I think it's almost the perfect size for one person. Enough space to move around, but not so much space that it becomes lonely. It has this horrible yet lovely dark fuschia-red carpet and it is cozy but sooooo not a man color.
His building has a swimming pool and hot tub, sauna, and a workout room. It is super convenient for him to do everything in which is great :)
I like him being so close! Plus I get to use his hot tub.
On Friday night, he got drunky drunky and got emotional... again! He told me on Sunday that he never got emotional when he drank before, and for some reason he is these days. I think life has been pretty hard on him. His job is extremely unorganized, and he is working nights, but can't seem to fall asleep during the day. So he doesn't sleep and is constantly tired all the time and I think it's wearing him down!
But basically he confessed that he moved into this apartment with the main factor that I was walking distance away. EEP! That's cute. But he always also says that I'm far too good for him and that I'll leave him eventually so he doesn't know why he keeps thinking things will last. SIGHHH. So insecure, that boy.
Confession!!! I haven't really told anyone, but he was once married and has a child. She is in Halifax with her mother's family. Big news, but I knew pretty much right when we met, so I guess that it's good that he told me... Things that adults have to deal with, right?
I can't believe it is February!
Holy moly. I can't believe we are 1/12 done the 2014 year already.
Here's a few things I've noticed about myself over the last month:
Here's a few things I've noticed about myself over the last month:
- I have become extremely committed to my physical activity. I love my running, yoga, and gym and feel sad when I miss a day for a not very good reason. But my rest days are well deserved!
- I've stopped counting calories. I just eat when I want to. (and whatever I want to)
- Routine worked really well for me. Waking up at 6:30 a.m. and going to bed at 11 p.m. made my days just flow a lot better and I've fallen out of that routine recently. Time to get back into it!
- I've gotten stronger physically. I ran 12k on Sunday and felt like I could have ran 10 more. It is so easy now to run 5k :) I don't ever feel really exhausted during yoga anymore and my balance has improved so much! My arms are getting stronger! I can do all my machines with more weight than last year!
- My mental state is a lot calmer. The lack of weekly assignments and midterms are really doing me a favour.
- I am loving my morning smoothie. It tastes delicious and is rich in protein :)
- I'm mentally prepared to start working full time. I'm so out of school mode and so into work mode.
- I've stopped spending so much money. I haven't gone shopping in ages and haven't eaten out nearly as much as before Christmas. Also, I don't buy coffee anymore. I always make my own in the morning (well almost always).
- Although Jake and I spend a lot of time together, it's never for long periods of time which has been nice. Having my own life for the other 21 hours of the day is great. And I haven't skipped yoga or workouts to be with him which I did in the past!
- I just feel healthier and stronger! It is such a good feeling :)
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
I think I'm becoming someone else!!
The more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm becoming the same person my mother is when it comes to relationship.
I'm sure they had their happy times, but lately their relationship is my mother being mad and my dad loving her but knowing that she is insane... and just letting it be.
It's so crazy because I see that now so clearly that I am that person in every single way. I want things to do be done my way. He does this, I hate it and so I get mad, but it's a preference thing, and I really don't need to be mad. He can't read my mind, but I expect him too and I just get annoyed and frustrated and upset and I read into so many situations that are not anything more than a simple mix up or a incorrectly phrased joke or whatever.
Why is it that I dwell so much on these little things? I get so angry for no reason. And I know I do, yet I still do it.
Today, I was pissed off because this morning, my law teacher made an extremely sexist comment. Later Jake was telling me about how he bugs his coworker about being 'such a girl' or something like that, and I got super irritated with him. On other days, I probably just would have laughed, but it bothered me sooooo much today and I got so mad for no reason. Of course, I got over it, but I feel like all these little things are going to accumulate in hatred towards a person for no reason.
It's just a bad aura that is starting to come into my being. I hate it and I need to start committing myself to letting things slide and believing things to be innocent when they really are.
Eep. I need help...
On another note, I was super tired from not sleeping and Jake was super drunk and everything is fine now. I'm just really good at overreacting these days. I have not felt like myself since last Friday. Something is up with me. I need to figure out what it is.
I'm sure they had their happy times, but lately their relationship is my mother being mad and my dad loving her but knowing that she is insane... and just letting it be.
It's so crazy because I see that now so clearly that I am that person in every single way. I want things to do be done my way. He does this, I hate it and so I get mad, but it's a preference thing, and I really don't need to be mad. He can't read my mind, but I expect him too and I just get annoyed and frustrated and upset and I read into so many situations that are not anything more than a simple mix up or a incorrectly phrased joke or whatever.
Why is it that I dwell so much on these little things? I get so angry for no reason. And I know I do, yet I still do it.
Today, I was pissed off because this morning, my law teacher made an extremely sexist comment. Later Jake was telling me about how he bugs his coworker about being 'such a girl' or something like that, and I got super irritated with him. On other days, I probably just would have laughed, but it bothered me sooooo much today and I got so mad for no reason. Of course, I got over it, but I feel like all these little things are going to accumulate in hatred towards a person for no reason.
It's just a bad aura that is starting to come into my being. I hate it and I need to start committing myself to letting things slide and believing things to be innocent when they really are.
Eep. I need help...
On another note, I was super tired from not sleeping and Jake was super drunk and everything is fine now. I'm just really good at overreacting these days. I have not felt like myself since last Friday. Something is up with me. I need to figure out what it is.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Worst night ever
Went to the Golder Winter party.
Got drunk. Jake got drunk.
Apparently I said something wrong and he got pissed off at me and now I can't sleep. I've been up since midnight and I hate my life right now.
I didn't realize someone could be so good and so bad for me at the same time.
I don't know what to do. On one side, I think I should break up with him.
On the other, I think I might be over reacting.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
Got drunk. Jake got drunk.
Apparently I said something wrong and he got pissed off at me and now I can't sleep. I've been up since midnight and I hate my life right now.
I didn't realize someone could be so good and so bad for me at the same time.
I don't know what to do. On one side, I think I should break up with him.
On the other, I think I might be over reacting.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
It's January 18 and already I'm overwhelmed!
BLAH! Haha. I feel like screaming and just letting it all go. It's not that being overwhelmed for me is even a bad thing. It's almost like I enjoy doing too many things at once, because then procrastination is just so much more fun.
When Jake was out of town in Conklin last week, I felt like I had all the time in the world to get everything done. Since I started school again, I've been going to bed at around 11 p.m. and waking up at 6:30 a.m. everyday. It has been magnificent. I never felt better. By the time Saturday rolled around last weekend, I felt amazing. I also had been eating very healthily with lots of fruits and vegetables and no junk food or deep friend things. I also started training for my half marathon, so logging approximately 20 km a week and also doing yoga 3 or 4 times a week plus a visit or 2 to the gym. So busy busy being active and productive.
Then Jake came back and everything changed! It's not that I like him being gone, it's that I like him being gone. HAHA. If you backtracked on that sentence, no I didn't make a mistake, I meant it to say the same thing twice.
Pros to Jake being gone: I'm super productive, have time to myself, get my homework done, go to yoga, stick to my schedule, eat healthy.
Cons to Jake being gone: He's gone and I miss him.
SO as you can see, I liked him being gone but was sad that he was gone all the same. It's just that now that he's back, I feel like my schedule is just so altered. If I stay at his place, he doesn't leave for work until 7 and then I need to start my morning routine about 45 minutes late. If he stays at my place, he wakes up half an hour too early and throws off my sleeping pattern. Plus I don't sleep as well when he is there. It's just not the same as the peace of being alone in bed. Also, I like doing yoga every night. If I do yoga for about an hour or an hour and a half at night time, I still have 4 or so hours to get everything else done if I have the night to myself. With Jake around, I end up spending time with him, or I skip yoga to hang out with him so that I have time for everything else after. I wish I had an extra 3 hours a day or something!
Another problem is that at this exact moment in time, I'm obsessed with yoga. Not only the asana (or postures) but the mental side to it all as well, such as meditation, learning about the chakras, the limbs, and ayurveda. And because I like to spend free time with Jake, I give that time up that I could be spending reading about these things. I would almost rather prioritize yoga over Jake because I feel like it's a real passion.
It stresses me out when I can't go to yoga, but then it stresses me out even more when I go to yoga because then Jake assumes that I just don't want to see him and feels ignored or whatever. It's hard to compromise. Like really difficult!
I hope that going to work in May makes things a bit easier. Although I have work for more time than school everyday, I have that time at night to unwind and relax. Hopefully do yoga and spend time with him AND still have time for my reading and being alone. It will be nice to go home at the end of the day and not have any homework to do.
On the topic of work, I've unofficially accepted their offer and will be starting work on May 20! EEP! Time to make some money and feel less broke. I feel like my first days come at a good time too, because it will be time to buy some summer clothes. TEEHEHE. I can't wait to spend some money on shopping. It's been a long time since I haven't been stressing out about money. It will be nice to lose that stress.
Also, I think I have been getting hives from stress. Today, I was just sitting in the yoga studio, and a big massive red lump appeared on my left shoulder. It is not very itchy, but extremely irritated. Earlier this year, I got two on my leg and they have been recurring issues for a while. I wonder if they are stress bumps! Hopefully nothing medically bad though. That would be horrible.
Anyways, I think I have said enough for the day! Ta ta for now. Have a beautiful week ladies!
When Jake was out of town in Conklin last week, I felt like I had all the time in the world to get everything done. Since I started school again, I've been going to bed at around 11 p.m. and waking up at 6:30 a.m. everyday. It has been magnificent. I never felt better. By the time Saturday rolled around last weekend, I felt amazing. I also had been eating very healthily with lots of fruits and vegetables and no junk food or deep friend things. I also started training for my half marathon, so logging approximately 20 km a week and also doing yoga 3 or 4 times a week plus a visit or 2 to the gym. So busy busy being active and productive.
Then Jake came back and everything changed! It's not that I like him being gone, it's that I like him being gone. HAHA. If you backtracked on that sentence, no I didn't make a mistake, I meant it to say the same thing twice.
Pros to Jake being gone: I'm super productive, have time to myself, get my homework done, go to yoga, stick to my schedule, eat healthy.
Cons to Jake being gone: He's gone and I miss him.
SO as you can see, I liked him being gone but was sad that he was gone all the same. It's just that now that he's back, I feel like my schedule is just so altered. If I stay at his place, he doesn't leave for work until 7 and then I need to start my morning routine about 45 minutes late. If he stays at my place, he wakes up half an hour too early and throws off my sleeping pattern. Plus I don't sleep as well when he is there. It's just not the same as the peace of being alone in bed. Also, I like doing yoga every night. If I do yoga for about an hour or an hour and a half at night time, I still have 4 or so hours to get everything else done if I have the night to myself. With Jake around, I end up spending time with him, or I skip yoga to hang out with him so that I have time for everything else after. I wish I had an extra 3 hours a day or something!
Another problem is that at this exact moment in time, I'm obsessed with yoga. Not only the asana (or postures) but the mental side to it all as well, such as meditation, learning about the chakras, the limbs, and ayurveda. And because I like to spend free time with Jake, I give that time up that I could be spending reading about these things. I would almost rather prioritize yoga over Jake because I feel like it's a real passion.
It stresses me out when I can't go to yoga, but then it stresses me out even more when I go to yoga because then Jake assumes that I just don't want to see him and feels ignored or whatever. It's hard to compromise. Like really difficult!
I hope that going to work in May makes things a bit easier. Although I have work for more time than school everyday, I have that time at night to unwind and relax. Hopefully do yoga and spend time with him AND still have time for my reading and being alone. It will be nice to go home at the end of the day and not have any homework to do.
On the topic of work, I've unofficially accepted their offer and will be starting work on May 20! EEP! Time to make some money and feel less broke. I feel like my first days come at a good time too, because it will be time to buy some summer clothes. TEEHEHE. I can't wait to spend some money on shopping. It's been a long time since I haven't been stressing out about money. It will be nice to lose that stress.
Also, I think I have been getting hives from stress. Today, I was just sitting in the yoga studio, and a big massive red lump appeared on my left shoulder. It is not very itchy, but extremely irritated. Earlier this year, I got two on my leg and they have been recurring issues for a while. I wonder if they are stress bumps! Hopefully nothing medically bad though. That would be horrible.
Anyways, I think I have said enough for the day! Ta ta for now. Have a beautiful week ladies!
Friday, January 10, 2014
Moving Practice beyond Posture
So before when I was doing yoga, I was practicing in order to get some physical activity and relaxation out of it. Recently, it has become so much more than that.
Reading about yoga and zen lifestyle has brought me to a completely different place I feel, and I'm loving it.
Meditations from the Mat and various other books that I've read in the last months make me want to move past just the physical aspects of the yogi lifestyle and into the total spiritual practice as well.
What strikes me in a really cool way is the fact that the first two 'limbs' of yoga, the yamas and niyamas are basically the 10 commandments of yoga. Sort of like 10 commandments in the bible or whatever the heck it is. Rules to follow:
Non-violence, truthfulness, non-stealing, sexual responsibility, abstention from greed. Cleanliness, contentment, austerity, self-study, surrender to god.
These are the 5 yamas and 5 niyamas. Sounds pretty good to me :)
Reading about yoga and zen lifestyle has brought me to a completely different place I feel, and I'm loving it.
Meditations from the Mat and various other books that I've read in the last months make me want to move past just the physical aspects of the yogi lifestyle and into the total spiritual practice as well.
What strikes me in a really cool way is the fact that the first two 'limbs' of yoga, the yamas and niyamas are basically the 10 commandments of yoga. Sort of like 10 commandments in the bible or whatever the heck it is. Rules to follow:
Non-violence, truthfulness, non-stealing, sexual responsibility, abstention from greed. Cleanliness, contentment, austerity, self-study, surrender to god.
These are the 5 yamas and 5 niyamas. Sounds pretty good to me :)
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Friday, January 3, 2014
Happy New Year
Hello! It is the new year and I still feel the same. What up with that right?
So far this week, all I've done is eat, sleep, yoga, run, and cuddle with the boyfriend while watching movies. It has been really great and I loved it. No better way to ring in the new year than to relax and enjoy life with a loved one :)
On New Years Eve, we went to some gross hick bar to have a drink with his friends and I wanted to shoot myself in the face because they were ignorant red necks that yelled and screamed about things I yelled and screamed about when I was 16. They were all older than me and it bothered me so I suffered for about an hour and half and then we left because I had frowny face on. Haha. Then we went home and talked and headed to the fireworks at Churchill Square which were perfect. It was weird. When the new year hit, I had this sudden flash of love for everything that happened this year. It was such an amazing year, and I'm going to live this year even better than the last.
These are the key points of my 2013 year:
So far this week, all I've done is eat, sleep, yoga, run, and cuddle with the boyfriend while watching movies. It has been really great and I loved it. No better way to ring in the new year than to relax and enjoy life with a loved one :)
On New Years Eve, we went to some gross hick bar to have a drink with his friends and I wanted to shoot myself in the face because they were ignorant red necks that yelled and screamed about things I yelled and screamed about when I was 16. They were all older than me and it bothered me so I suffered for about an hour and half and then we left because I had frowny face on. Haha. Then we went home and talked and headed to the fireworks at Churchill Square which were perfect. It was weird. When the new year hit, I had this sudden flash of love for everything that happened this year. It was such an amazing year, and I'm going to live this year even better than the last.
These are the key points of my 2013 year:
- Spent 5 months in Australia
- Got my dive instructors
- Went to Vietnam, South Korea, and Hong Kong
- Went to Danielle's wedding
- Finished my 2nd last semester of undergrad
- Got a job at the company I've wanted to work for since 2nd year
- Met a wonderful boy
- Got back into yoga
- Discovered my love of reading
- Gained more self confidence
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