Okay, I can deal with this.

Home for the holidays!

After a very busy week of this and that, I am finally at home for the holidays! One week of family time :)

Last week was really fun! I spent my Sunday at a meeting with the yoga people, then dinner with Danielle! Monday was a pretty relaxing day of work, then mall, then volunteering at the yoga studio.
Tuesday, Jake and I drove to Red Deer, he made a non-impression on the family, and then we headed to Calgary to see Lauren! Calgary on Wednesday and back to Edmonton on Thursday. We stopped at the Donut Mill for deliciousness on the way back to Edmonton. Then I went to Clever Rabbit and Candy Cane Lane with Elizabeth! Rachelle was in town on Thursday so she stayed at my home Thursday and Friday nights and we hung out and drank and then she parted for home on Saturday. Saturday was gingerbread house making day and a free concert with Mardy at night time.
Sunday I drove home!
I'm glad to be home. I think it's about time to disconnect with some media.

January is going to be grand. I've decided it's time to detox. No junk food. No overly processed foods. Yoga galore. No drinking. Time to start running again!
Jake just took a job in Grand Prairie so he won't be around much, which gives me so much more time to focus on me and being the quiet me that I want to be. Hehe.
Also, that means yoga 7 times a week pretty much. I'm really looking forward to improving my practice :)

Some writing

So I was cleaning my room tonight and I found an old written blog post that I wrote in class when I was bored. I decided to type it up and post it:

Everyday in yoga, instructors tell the class 'set your intention'. And many people settle on something like, I will breath throughout my practice, or I will not push myself for pride, and other things like that. But what if we set our intention on aspects of outside life too? Like I will smile at everyone today, or I will love myself entirely. If we follow through with our intention and become a bit better of a person everyday  and if we recognize how good that feels, we could be a lot happier.
On Saturday, I watched "About Time" where one of the major lessons is entirely just appreciating life for exactly what it gives you, living everyday as though you have no stress and no rush. Whatever happens will happen, and if you accept that, life suddenly feels a hell of a lot better. Nothing is holding you back from living life completely in freedom except you. You create the barriers within your life and therefore you live with the consequences. Now think about your day. Were you rushing somewhere and didn't hold that door open for the next person? Di you make a rude comment to someone because you they didn't do something right? Did you not smile at that girl because you were too busy staring at your phone? Did you get stressed out because your bus was late? Etc.
All these emotions come from your perception of the situation. If we breathe, relax, enjoy every single moment and STOP thinking about time, we suddenly have a few seconds to make someone's day better, be nicer to people, and love our own lives a bit more. True happiness lies within self love and gratitude, but in order to do this, we must first realize what is truly important.

What more can I dooooo.. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU

So today I had an interesting experience!
I found out that my building's water heaters are all not working except one, the emergency one.
That means all the people in our condo are sharing a bit of hot water.
I turned on the shower this afternoon in attempt to have a nice shower, and the water was cold!!!
I felt greasy, but I decided not to take a cold shower and went to a meeting at the yoga studio and to dinner with Danielle, and then when I got home, I decided to try again.
The water wasn't hot, but it wasn't cold, so I climbed in. BRRRRR!!!!
And then about 3/4 of the way through my shower, the water suddenly got nice and toasty!
I actually screamed from excitement and cheered.
If I just got that excited and grateful for all the things that we seem to take for granted in our lives, we would be a lot happier people!
Think about it :)

Money

Now that I'm almost done school and ready to start working full-time, this subject seems to come up quite a bit... MONEY.
To me, success means having a good relationship with family and friends and being happy with life in general. To others, success means making lots of money and having material objects to show for it.

Today I was hanging out with Abhishek and his friend Kan, and their definition of success was money. Owning their own business, making 500 thousand dollars a year. They believe that in order to be happy, they must first be 'successful'.
Both of them believe that success comes before finding a nice girl to be with, and that with their success, comes meeting girls and finding their future wife.
It was really strange to hear these things, because they conflict so much with my definition of happiness and success. And what I want to do with my life.
When asked what I would do with a thousand dollars a day for the rest of my life, I said I would keep whatever I could live comfortably off of, and donate the rest to charity and then volunteer to help others.
I feel like if someone were giving me money and I didn't really do anything for it, why not share it with others?
Their money would be spent on buying houses and cars so they could show off how successful they are.
I feel like that's just so wrong. And maybe I'm too opinionated about that subject, but I guess that's how it is. I have really strong opinions and I express them and that makes me a very unlikeable person sometimes.
Sorry. Blah.
It's just one of those days. I'm tired, apparently I've said the 'wrong things' to my boyfriend, and I wish that I could feel good about being done exams, but I'm not.
I feel like nothing special happened today. I've gotten to the point where I'm feeling numb again.

I desire someone to make me these and make me happy in the morning :)

Bitch

Some days I am a bitch.
Today I want nothing to do with people.
I will continue to make people feel bad until they feel as bad as me.
Don't talk to me today.
ROAR.

Finding happiness

I've noticed that yoga for me is beyond the physical.
It's a way to wander into my mental world and absorb what has happened and move on.
During practice, I find that although my mind is mostly clear, it still thinks about little things that have bothered me, and I find that those things seem to disappear out of my mind after practice. Suddenly it seems insignificant and so small in comparison to the rest of the world.
It's so funny because when instructors speak about life during the class, it always seems to correlate with my life so well. But then I realize that everyone goes through the same things that I am going through. The ups and downs, although to different degrees, are experienced by each and every one of us, and through yoga, we can learn to embrace the mentality of just letting things go that are beyond our control or are in the past.
Yesterday morning, Tasha told us to ground through our feet and think about something that we needed to let go of, and to let it drain out of us through our bodies and out of our feet.
It's as simple as that sometimes to let things go.

I've noticed a change in myself. Although I was so down a few days ago, and for the last two months, I hadn't felt that great, I realize that I need to let things go. And I realize that I've had an easier time letting things go. My exam didn't go that well on Monday, and I didn't hold onto that feeling, I just let it go and moved on. But there are things that I need to let go. Like wanting to be carefree for the rest of life. That's never going to happen and I can't just run back to Cairns every time I feel overwhelmed. Things aren't going to be perfect all the time, but it's how I choose to react to the situation that determines the outcome. I can embrace and move on, or I can deny and fight. Sometimes, it's a hell of a lot easier to just accept and move on.

Zen and All

Today I did not want to study.
So I didn't.
Rather than stress myself out about grades and school and whatever, I went to yoga this morning.
Then I went to Second Cup and grabbed a latte for only 3.50 hehe.
Then I got books at the library.
Then I read my book and let my mind wander.
Then I tried to study.
Then I went to yoga again.
Now I'm ready for bed.
Exam is tomorrow at 9 a.m.

Oops... HEHE. Guess I shouldn't expect a good grade in this class.

4 more days!!

And my second last semester of undergrad will be complete :)
This makes me happy:

It was the one A I knew I could guarantee myself if I tried hard enough :)

So even though it isn't even time for New Years Resolutions, I've had a really hard last couple of weeks, and I want to make sure that I don't fall into that same burnt out routine next semester.
Since it is my absolute last semester, I am going to make sure it is the best semester that I've ever had!
So these are the things that I want to make sure I do early next year:

1) Chakras class with Tasha
2) Keep karmi-ing so that I can do yoga at least 3 times a week.
3) Start training for my half marathon that is officially on April 27.
4) Do the MS Bike Tour.
5) Stop binge drinking.
6) Take time to myself and relax at home when I can.
7) Explore restaurants in Edmonton!

These things will hopefully keep me a little bit more sane... I hope!

It's too much

Everything feels wrong.
Today I felt so exhausted that I could barely get myself out of bed and I had to take a nap halfway through the day.
I didn't feel like socializing with my coworkers at the comedy show.
I felt like I was experiencing my body outside of myself.
My laughs were fake.
My conversations full of fake sincerity.
When I first got there, I ran to the bathroom and cried to prepare myself for the next 3 hours of faking being happy.
I don't think I can handle life.
It all feels so wrong.
The only time I feel really happy is when I see my family, my really good friends, or my boyfriend.
The other times, I'm just putting on an act.
I don't know what happened.
I am so happy and so sad at the same time.
I'm stressed out, tired, sick of superficial people and two faced-ness. I'm sick of drama over nothing.
But most of all, I'm sick of feeling sick of everything.
What the heck, eh?

Exhausted

Emotionally, mentally, physically drained...
I find it hard to get out of bed in the mornings.
I don't feel like talking to people.
My body just says no to everything.
I think it is time to go to sleep and never to wake up.

And as per usual, I can't wait to get through the month so that the new year can bring new things :)

And beyond

Alexa was sobbing loudly after her practice today.

Too much stress for her to bear. No money for her to spend. Too much stress for no reward.

She is being ripped off by the owner of the yoga studio. She is the manager and gets paid minimum wage to do far too much work for an unorganized person.

And I can see it building up into a giant ball of stress.

We hold stress in our bodies in many different ways. In our shoulders, in our appetites, in our hips, in our joints, in our minds, in our teeth. We deal with it by yelling at people, by exercising, by eating, by not eating, by talking. And yet, we all have those moments where it becomes too much for one to hold in. A tidal wave rolls in, and we succumb to our despair. If only we had a little more time. We wouldn't be so stressed to get from one place to another. If only this person did this, then we would have been done already. If only I had done this, I wouldn't be where I am now. Too many ifs, not enough acceptance. Things are what they are. Sometimes, as much as we try, situations are out of our control. We just can't change things, and that's where we get our strength. We accept, we maneuver, and we learn. If we had a little more time, society would eventually get to this point again where we try to make ourselves so busy that we have no time to relax. We would still live our world in a daze of being absorbed in our phones, our computers, our televisions. If that person had done that task, something else might have been thrown in your face, or maybe they just had too much on their plate. Sometimes you need to take a step back and realize that maybe you've bitten off more than you can chew.

We spend too much time worrying about what other people think. Why is it a bad thing to relax on a Friday night? Why can't I eat at a restaurant by myself? Why do you feel sorry for me that I have to watch a movie alone?

Too much judgement. And too much caring about that judgement.

Live your life as you want to live it. And who cares what they think. All that matters is what you think.

Tasha

My favorite yoga instructor always knows what to say.
Today I was heading to her class and decided to stop in Tin Box to look at things and ran into her! She was doing some last minute shopping before class too. Haha.
She is super cute and lovely and I want to be her.

Kids

Today is one of those days where I wish the world would just disappear. That I would be back in Australia on a quiet day on Reefkist, jumping into the water and being in peace and quiet and nature for an hour.

I miss it every single day and it's starting to tear me apart.

I love being here. I love working and life and everything, but it's stressful and I can't handle my emotions here.

There, I was free to do whatever and be a kid. I want to be a kid again. No responsibilities, no worries, just living happily and in the moment.

And the countdown begins!!

I can feel the Christmas joy all around and it is spreading through my veins and annoying all the people around me!
The problem is that I assume that everyone has a family that they get to share their love with on this special day, but in reality, a lot of people don't! And to some people, it's just another day.
I see Christmas as family time, for smiling, laughing, eating, and loving each other and truly appreciating each other's company. Poor Jake doesn't have that because his family is on the east coast and he can't afford to fly out there nor does his family get along nearly as well as mine!
It's too bad that no one gets the experience that I do... Oh what to do! What to do!

I went to the festival of trees yesterday and made a mini tree! Well actually I just decorated it :) Elizabeth took pictures of me in action!

So I left this tree on the table in our living room, and Roy isn't overly a Christmas person, so he put a plastic bag over it during the night and put a note with a big smiley face on it beside!!!!

HAHAHAHA. It was so funny. I left the tree there to spite him. Teehehehe.

Can't wait to go home for Christmas. I'm already counting down the days :)

Eating clocks

Is really time consuming,

Especially if you go back for seconds...

Hmmmm....

So I woke up to these texts from Jake's phone:
"Stay awy from my bf we are back together. By the way i spent the night over and we had sex"
"That night you guys met in red deer he screwed on me with you and his been lying about how ffar this is been going on with you two!!"
"So unblievable!"

So now here are my questions:
Why am I receiving text messages at 4 a.m. from his crazy ex-girlfriend from his phone?
I met him in Red Deer?
Was the sex good? Is that unblievable statement about the sex?

Anyways, my life has suddenly become a drama fest. Yuck. Time to ditch the drama and go back to the heart. Yoga time :)

I got a job!

So I got my job. It's set now and they are offering me employment for when I graduate!
Also, here is a cute cat picture.

Blah. So this week has been sort of an emotional trainwreck. I've been really stressed out lately and getting like 70% on an assignment threw me off a cliff for some weird effed up reason and I felt really depressed all day. Jake brought me chai and some hugs and I felt better. Then he came over for a brief bit on Wednesday while I was studying for my exam and that was nice.
And then came Thursday. I wrote my exam which went BLAH, and then went to the Rack for a bulldog and Jake was supposed to meet me there. He showed up completely smashed already with a friend. Which was okay because I really like his friend but I don't like the fact that he was drunk already. I dislike the fact that he then went on to emotionally whine to me about how he felt insecure in our relationship because I apparently deserve so much better. Or that he tried to drink and drive last night. The entire night was just kind of an almost deal breaker for me. I realize that sometimes in past relationships I've let things slide that I shouldn't have. And this time, I don't want to do that. I know I'm great and I deserve someone equally as great.
But that was just one night, right? I mean, he has been so good to me every other night, bringing me chai, letting me cry on his shoulder for no reason, making me dinner, cooking me breakfast in bed, etc. But then tonight, I was upset because he had told me all day that he really wanted to see me after my choir rehearsal and that he would come over and stay the night. But then he said earlier this evening that he might get 'roped' into doing something else tonight. It doesn't make sense to me if you make plans with me how you can get 'roped' into doing something. If you have plans, you stick with them. What bothers me is that I told him that he could go have fun with his friends and I'd just chill at home and go to bed earlier or tumbl or whatever, but he would reply with all these sad responses like I was acting like I didn't want to see him. I just want to have my freedom and let him have freedom in his life too. That's the problem with relationships sometimes, you spend too much time with the other person and they become your life rather than living real lives. And then he texts me after I ask him what he's doing and says he is going out with his friends because his friend apparently from out of town showed up. Funny how he found out right when I texted him, eh? Ya, so I was mad that he would be all Wah Wah Wah you don't want to see me and then ditch me last minute. I don't mind being alone for a night as long as I'm not led to believing I'm going to see him.
Plus, a month ago I asked if he wanted to come to my choir concert. He asked how much it was, and I said, like 20 bucks, and he patted me on the shoulder and said, have fun with that. Obviously implying that he didn't want to pay money to watch my concert. And then tonight I was mad that he still wasn't showing any interest in coming even though it is tomorrow. He had the balls to tell me that he did want to come and told me a month ago, but I didn't seem like I wanted him to come. WHY WOULD I ASK IF I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO COME. And then tried to convince me that he wasn't trying to imply that he wouldn't pay money to see me sing. Blah. Boys are stupid.
That's my rant. I hope I'm just emotionally unstable right now and I'm overthinking things.

OH dear god. So funny.

Love

Eep! Egads! No, it can't be.
I think I'm in love :)

Teehehehe.

Technology

Yesterday, in my final lecture of History of Technology, my professor basically went through what is happening to the world due to technology and the idea of technopoly.
Basically, we have entered a world where technology is no longer optional. It is mandatory. Kids in elementary school now need to learn to use computers even if they don't want to. It is pushed on them and they are required to learn it. Yet, they are never taught how these computers work, or even how any of the simpler technologies work. We, as a younger generation, are very ignorant of how technology works, yet we use it more than anyone has before.
In doing so, we have also forgotten the importance of the past. In order to understand where we are now, we must realize that there were reasons for developing these initial basic technologies and why people back then needed it. History has basically become something forgotten and schools focus more on sciences and math rather than any arts classes due to the fact that science and math leads to new technology while the arts do not. The arts have become suppressed so that science and math can move forwards. For example, the arts budgets have gotten cut, while the engineering ones did not really. How is it that I can get handouts for all my engineering classes, but we are not allowed to get handouts in my history class? Pretty sad, really.

Anyways, the professor also said how technology is always seen as a good thing, but consider this quote and think about how it may be possible that new technology is created as a solution to a problem that was created by a previous idea:

If there had been no railway to conquer distances, my child would never have left his native town and I should need no telephone to hear his voice; if travelling across the ocean by ship had not been introduced, my friend would not have embarked on his sea-voyage and I should not need a cable to relieve my anxiety about him.

 Just a thought I thought I'd share. That quote is from Freud :)

Wishlist

I want these! Yoga obsessed:
http://www.manduka.com/us/shop/categories/collections/go-series/go-play/
http://teeki.com/product/nl-hot-pant/

On a lighter note

Look at all the snow!

My relationship with Food

Ugh. Food. Love it, hate it, eat it, avoid it. It's been an ongoing battle basically since I can remember.
Yesterday, I was talking to my roommate's girlfriend and she mentioned that she battled through anorexia a few years ago and weighed herself the day before and was 150 pounds at about 5'8" I think? And she was saying how she had never weighed that much before in her entire life and wanted to lose weight. How strange is it that we base how we feel on how much a scale says rather than how we feel or look. If we feel healthy and exercise and eat properly but are still a bit on the "chubby" side, why is that a bad thing? It shouldn't be, because the person across the street can be incredibly thin and eat junk food all day and never exercise. It's an incredibly messed up perspective of weight that we have here in North America, and it affects everyone at an early age these days.

Back in the day, when I was about 5 or so, I started over eating. Maybe even at an earlier age than that, but that's pretty much when I start to remember things. My worst memory from childhood is this: We bought girl guide mint thin cookies and I asked the parents if I could have one. They said yes, and so I stuffed one in my mouth and stole another one out of the box and ate TWO cookies. Yes, I said it, TWO whole cookies. And that's my earliest memory of the start of my overeating. Another memory is when I was eating a cheese string and one of the sisters opened a bag of chips. Instead of eating my cheese string by peeling it and enjoying as a cheese string should be eaten, I ate it like a block of cheese so that I could start eating chips asap. Frickin disgusting right? I didn't think so at the time, but when I think back to that moment, I feel repulsed and guilty. Why did I do that to myself when I was younger? Eating was always a boredom or emotional thing. I'm bored? I can entertain myself by eating. I'm feeling stressed or sad or pretty much any negative emotion? Eat. That should solve the problem right? It's so weird that food can make me feel better momentarily. And I say momentarily, because later on, I'm going to regret those chips I ate. That chocolate that I ate. Whatever it was that I stuffed into my mouth and didn't even really taste or enjoy because it was filling the void in my mental state. So this all started in an early age. I was probably overweight by the time I was 6 and in first grade a least. Maybe earlier, I can't really remember, but I can remember being overweight by the time I was in grade 6. And that's when it really started to affect my life.

Middle school kids are assholes. Yes, not mean, not jerks, big fucking Assholes. Not that I realized it at the time, but I know it now. I see the news saying how somebody killed themselves over teasing from their peers because they were gay, didn't look "right", etc. How messed up is that? That other people have that much influence on how someone feels about themselves. Even if you love other girls, you can't 100% ever feel feel comfortable right in today's society because someone is going to give you a look that bothers you one day. Even if it is one look in a year, it's going to affect how you feel to some degree. Same with fat people. "Skinny" people are going to judge those people, even just "thinner" people will judge them. Why are they eating? They should just starve themselves, right? Sure. That's how eating disorders start. You want everyone to get a mental disease just so that people can satisfy the ideal North American look? That's fucked. So here's my story. Throughout grades 6 to 8, I had a good group of friends I guess. I played basketball and volleyball and was friends with Tiff and some of the other girls that I went to elementary school with and whatnot, and I didn't think twice. It got worse in grade 7 I think when Nicole showed up and we were good friends but we weren't really. She got her boyfriend that year (that she knew I liked) to pretend to like me and pretend to ask me out over MSN (because that was how we communicated back then). Imagine how I felt when I found out it was a joke. Or my "friend" Jill who harassed me constantly calling me fat and stupid online and then in person, pretended it was her "sister" that was online using her account to be mean. Can anyone guess how I felt when a group of boys asked me if I was a "dyke" one day during lunchtime. I didn't even know what that meant at the time. And during those 3 years, I honestly didn't even realize that these things were probably done to me because I didn't look like the other girls. I was about double their size. Pretty "fat". I cried one day because my teacher called my face "round" because she was teaching us the word round in french. I was super aware that I didn't fit the typical female physique for my age and so I decided to make a change at the end of Grade 8. One of my friends in middle school (also not really a friend after all) had a major eating disorder. She didn't eat. She was anorexic. I didn't even realize that was a real thing until I started hanging out with her a lot. Welcome to eating disorders, Sarah.

That was the summer I stopped eating properly. That's the summer that fucked me up for the next 7 year of my life. That sounds pretty severe, doesn't it? It's not that bad, although it kind of is. I wouldn't eat breakfast if I could avoid it. I would eat minimal food for lunch, and then pretend I wasn't hungry at dinner time so that I could eat only half a bowl of rice and get away with it. I started going running. I started becoming emotionally unstable. I can remember hiding food in my room so that food would look like it was eaten and then I'd sneak it into our garbage cans in the back when I found time to do it. One of my memories is sitting on the couch watching TV and the sisters came back from the library with a movie that they wanted to watch. All they wanted to do was watch the darn movie, but apparently it was the end of the world. I cried, went for a run, and I don't think I ate much that day. It felt good. Feeling hungry felt good. That meant I was going to be skinny soon. If I lost weight, everyone would love me in high school. Makes perfect sense.

Except that is exactly what happened. I felt better about myself and therefore was more outgoing when I got to high school. At 120 pounds and 5'3" ish, I looked good and I fit in to the norm. I was skinny. And people liked it. People talked to me, I had friends, I made the volleyball team, I made the basketball team, and life was good. Except I still wasn't eating properly. I threw out sandwiches that mother made me because I didn't want those calories. People liked me when I was skinny. Why would I want to get fat again? But then I would get dizzy spills during sports practices. You'd think that I would realize that something was wrong if that was happening? Nope, I LIKED it. That meant I wasn't eating enough and that made me proud of myself. But this wasn't an everyday thing. This is about the time where I started my binging and then to compensate, I wouldn't eat. It was a cycle. Sometimes I'd eat too much, then I'd "reverse" it by not eating. And it was a problem for 3 years until grade 12 began. I stopped playing sports entirely and started feeling totally happy for the first time. I started dating guys and because I wasn't playing sports, I gained weight. At that time, it didn't matter. I gained about 15 to 20 pounds that year. It didn't bother me. I had real friends that I would hang out with and go out for lunch, and go for coffee and go to Dennys at midnight. It was so much fun. And I had a bit of a meltdown when I realized how "big" my grad dress was going to be, but I was so happy with everything that it didn't really matter all that much.

Flash forward to the week that triggered the return of my unhappiness with my weight. It was the week before my recital for my ARCT. I got sick. Like so sick that I was in bed, couldn't stay awake for much time, couldn't eat, etc. Probably mostly due to stress. Guess who lost 10 pounds in a week and was reminded of how good it is to feel hungry? That's right. And it came back in full effect just in time for university.

First year was a change. I was independent and living in an entirely different city than my parents. I made friends because high school had taught me how to be outgoing. And I started dating Zach. Remember him? I wish I didn't sometimes, but that's a story for another time. I gained weight in just the first few months of living in Lister. Unlimited access to fried foods, chips, kraft dinner, ice cream. Everything I could possibly imagine. A binger's dream. But that weight gain came with feeling incredibly insecure about myself. I was messed up emotionally for the entirety of my relationship with Zach. He moved into my room with me pretty much as soon as we started seeing each other and I lost potential at friendships with other people on my floor (although we were still friends, we didn't have the kind of friendship that I wish had come of living in that first year), mostly because the two of us isolated ourselves from everyone else. I want to say it was his fault, but it was my fault too. People didn't like him. People in general just didn't like him but I loved him, so I spent my entire life with him for those 2 years. And I grew more insecure. I thought people didn't like me because I didn't have friends, not realizing that it was my fault. I gained more weight, and Zach got depressed. A bunch of things happened and in the end, we were both in such a negative mindset that we were feeding off of it from each other. And then came the times I cut myself. That happened a few times through the course of our relationship. I would reach points of such depression that I couldn't get out of bed and I would cry and he would make me so sad that I would turn to physical pain in order to feel less emotional pain. That just isn't normal. But this was the way I felt for 2 years. And in that time period, I battled through eating disorder. I would stop eating for periods of time. I would binge and try to make myself throw up. I drank myself to sleep a few times. It was really just not a good time. And still, I couldn't lose weight even when I was starving myself because I'd gain it back as soon as I started eating again. At that moment, I can truly say that I hated myself in every way possible. Never have I ever felt such self loathing. I have never hated anyone in my life as much as I hated myself during that time. And I never ever want to feel that much hate ever again.
Finally, we broke up. Thank god. Or else I would never be who I am today.

When we broke up, so much clarity came into play. I moved home for the summer and worked at Alberta Environment and that summer was a huge change. I didn't have this negative cloud surrounding me the entire time. People still liked me even though I thought I was fat and ugly. People still talked to me and treated me like a human being. In fact, people seemed to love me, and I realized that it wasn't me, it was how I was perceiving myself that was the huge problem and how that other person in my life wasn't making anything better. I started eating properly (since I was living at home, I got real meals for dinner, had food to feed myself for breakfast and lunch, etc.) and that was also the summer that I started to do yoga. Like I've blogged before, yoga changed my life. But I remember making friends at work that summer. I was suddenly free to do whatever I wanted. I went out to the bars and had a great time. Balance came back into my life. My weight came to it's natural equilibrium, and I felt happy again. Truly happy. I started dating other people and life was fabulous. It was a sudden turn for the best, and everything felt good again. I felt like I recovered from everything. I biked to work sometimes, I did yoga, I had a social life, and I ate properly. It all compounded to a healthy lifestyle, and it felt great.

And since then, I've never been back to that same place. I still hate my body some days. I still don't eat as much as I should some days. I still like feeling hungry. But I know that's not how I should feel. So it helps just to know that it isn't as important as my brain seems to tell me it is. And I've got amazing people in life that help me get through those days. I binge on cookies and then I remember to eat healthy and how much better it makes me feel. I remember that my body shape isn't the same as the stick thin girl that I see at school. I remember that not everybody who stares at me is judging me for being "fat" but maybe their eyes are just in that direction or maybe it's because they think I'm cute or they like the outfit I'm wearing. I know I'm not fat, but I'm always going to have that voice in my head that tells me otherwise. And some days that voice is stronger than on other days. I still eat when I'm stressed. I'm going to gain weight sometimes when life gets overwhelming. But if I try to eat healthy and keep my body physically fit, I can get through it. I'm never going to let myself fall into that depressive state, but some days I feel super shit. It's an ongoing battle and it totally sucks. But that's life. And shit happens, yet life goes on.

I have friends that support me in everything I do. An amazing family that cares about me. And a boyfriend that tells me I'm beautiful every single day of my life. I can feed myself. I have clothes. I have a home. I have running water. The sun rises every single day. And I couldn't ask for anything more. I'm happy but I have those days. We all have those days. But when you have a clear perspective of life, things will be okay. That's what my last 23 years have taught me. Life is what you make it, so why not say fuck it once in a while.

Story of my life

One Direction usually has songs that don't mean much and videos that don't mean much, but if you watch this video and listen to the song, it has a pretty good story with real meaning. This song makes me cry, especially with Liam (I think) and his grandparents. It makes me think about my parents and my auntie and how they are aging at what seems like a much quicker rate than when I was little. And I wish we could just freeze at this age and live for a long time. I don't want them to go through anything to do with old age, like mental problems or health problems or things like that.
After a wonderful weekend in Banff, I was home for a day and then came back to Edmonton and everytime, it seems, that I go home and come back here, I want to just cry for days. I notice the changes in them or I just miss them even though I know they will be there the next time I have time to visit. I just wish I could spend more time with them without actually living with them, you know? It is a weird feeling but I just don't want things to change. I love my family and I love life right now and I just wish it could stay the same forever.

This weekend was great. I got to spend time with Jake and he met Danielle and Aaron and Shawn and we baked cookies and ate cookies and it was relaxing, but I'm suffering from SAD at the moment I think. Also, I think I have anxiety for some reason. I can't sleep through the nights anymore. I woke up with a tight squeezing in my chest and felt really worried and couldn't breathe in the middle of the night last night. I don't know what is going on... It is extremely strange.

Yoga saved my soul

I was in a terrible place at the end of my 3rd year of university.
I was with a horrible person living a horrible life and trying to escape into the life and human being that I wanted to be.
Yoga saved my soul. The power of it's embrace throughout ordinary life fixed everything and gave me clarity.
Breathing through problems, seeing things as moments and letting them go as they pass.
Today, I went to Power House and Joe said something meaningful. We've been taught to hold on to all the anger, the bad things that happen and we don't let them go. That's what yoga has taught me most. The most important thing is being able to breathe through problems and just let them pass as they will.
Shit happens, life goes on.
Things can be worse. Be happy with what you have.
Be the good. Believe there is good.

Snow White

The snow fell this weekend. And it covered the city in a beautiful blanket of white.
Some people complained, some people were happy, some did not even care.
Some wore shorts. Some wore sweaters. Some put on their biggest jackets, scarves, hats, gloves, AND boots.
The trees shook with cold.
Everyone shook with cold.
And the city was calm for a day.

What a good weekend

This weekend consisted of going out for Halloween twice. Jake making me breakfast twice. Jake cooking me dinner. Going to About Time (the movie). And sleeping a lot.
Best weekend ever.
So happy.
And relaxed.
I feel lovely :)

I love Halloween

Smiling faces. Hilarious and creative costumes?
What's not to love.

Peanut butter with a spoon

So I went to Superstore one day and saw coupons for Kraft Peanut Butter, and they were only 3 dollars because they were on sale plus a dollar off from the coupon so it was 2 dollars for a jar of honey peanut butter.
This was a week ago. I ate the whole thing out of the jar with a spoon. It is so good. Oh gosh. That is a lot of peanut butter.

In the blogging mood

When it all comes to the end, and we are lying in our death bed. Is it really going to matter if we made all that money? Or if we owned that beautiful car? We don't get those material things anymore.
What we get is the happiness of knowing we passed on our legacy to the next generation. So do we want the next generation to be obsessed with being skinny, or owning that Ferrari or having that beautiful mansion that was too big for the 3 of you? Or do we want the next generation to genuinely appreciate the beautiful gift of life, love, respect for each other, care for the less fortunate?
It's your choice. Every little step brings you a little bit closer to a better world. Even if it doesn't happen in your lifetime, maybe if we all tried now, it would happen in the future.
So think about being happy in non-material ways, because that actually makes us better people. We show more gratitude when we appreciate people for what they do, not what they give us, and more internal stability when we realize that happiness comes from within and not the material goods around us.
Do what makes you happy. Don't look back. Your life will be worth 'more' when you do what you love and you love the world and the people around you.

Midterms

MIDTERMS ARE GOING GREAT.
History - 95% = A!
Municipal Systems - 90% - Average: 70%
Hydraulics - 86.5% - Highest Mark was 88%

Yay! Yay! Yay! I need to study tons for my exam tomorrow. I want to keep my grades up for the rest of the semester and do really good! EEEP.
I can't believe my brain still works after 20 months away from life.
I love you, brain!

I love this place

Yesterday was a weird day. Not weird because of anything that happened, but weird because of the mood that I was in.
On Saturday, I volunteered, then hung out with Elizabeth to get a costume for the Halloween party, and then I went to a Halloween party at the Druid. And oh boy, did I drink my weight's worth of booze. Drink after drink after drink after drink. No pukey pukey. No sicky sicky. Drink drink drink, and then I cut myself off and started drinking water. That is, until someone started buying me shots of tequila.
I cannot remember anything other than that really. Where did Elizabeth go that night? Who was I talking to all night. WTF. AH. Such a bad feeling to not know what happened during the night. But I know I had fun at least?
So the weird mood I was in had everything to do with not knowing what happened the night before. Also, I hadn't really heard from Jake all Friday and Saturday, so I was just kind of iffy about the whole issue, and feeling strange and blah blah blah. I hate boys and junk. They are so confusing. Plus a lot of people have been confiding in me to give them advice on life and school and whatever, and I don't like drama. I think it's funny when it's mine, but when I have to deal with other people's, I feel responsible and try so hard to take care of people. Sometimes I have no control and I just need to know that, but I feel like I should be trying to help them even when I can't really. It's confusing! But then I said, you know what, Eff this. I am taking the day off. I should actually have been studying for my midterm that is on Tuesday, but I don't really care at this point. I'm kind of ready to go home to sleep for a week. HAHA. So after I said Efffffffff this, I put my cell phone on my bed, packed myself into my winter coat (IT SNOWED YESTERDAY!!!! SO BEAUTIFUL AND LOVELY AND YAY WINTER!!!!!!!!) and went out for the day. First, I went to city hall because I remembered there was a concert on at some point but since I didn't take my phone with me, I couldn't check what time it was at because I just kind of left without thinking about where I was going. Then I went to the library and read a book for an hour. The author was from Edmonton and it was so funny because I didn't realize that until the text mentioned Bonnie Doon Mall. Haha. And then I went to the mall for some coffee and shopping. Then the concert was at 3 and it was the most delightful concert! It was the youth choirs singing, and the choristers were age ranged from kindergarten to senior year high school. They were so cute and the high school kids were so good! I am still amazed by the sound that human voices can make, especially when in a large group in a choir. Bass voices are the best! So after all that, I went home, studied for a bit, and then went to get groceries.
Roy had a bunch of friends over for a wine tasting, so when I got back from groceries, I sat with them and drank some wine. Then Jake came over and I poured myself some vodka pineapple and relaxed with him and went to bed super early. Sleep makes me super happy. So does drinking. HAHA. I think I really needed that day off yesterday. It felt soo good. Today I feel relaxed and happy and calm.
I need a break. Too much in too little time. I think I'm exhausting myself by trying to do too much and avoid being alone. The problem is that I feel like a loser when I'm alone. But then I remember, I don't give a shiz about actually being alone. All I care is about being considered a loner by other people. But then again, if I don't hang out with people, how would they know I spend a lot of time alone? HAHA. Fack me. My life is stupid sometimes.
Have a great week everybody! Kisses all round :) Winter kisses!

Love Love Love

Today as I was walking to the train station from volleyball, I stopped for a second and took in the beautiful night. The wind was blowing and the leaves were rustling as they fell off the trees, as they collided with each other on the ground and scraped against the cool concrete. The night was dark with the lighting coming from street lamps and inside the university buildings. And it was just quiet. No music, no talking, just the sound of nature and the hint of human activity. It was lovely. Absolutely wonderful.
Finished 4 of 5 midterms! I am almost done my second last ever round of midterms :)
Getting back into volleyball was so nice. I missed the feeling of the ball hitting my arms and leaving giant red marks on them. I love the team vibe. The excitement of a winning point. The suspense as someone makes a great save. The smiles of people having fun.
Today I felt like buying soup for lunch from Sobeys. And then I had a second thought. I volunteered at homeless connect and since then, it's made me question my spending. Do I really need that bag of chips? Or that chai? Or those clothes? Usually the answer is no. I have food at home. I have clothes to wear already that maybe I don't like as much, but it is wearable. So no, I should not be spending this money. So instead of buying soup for myself, I bought soup and a bun and grabbed some crackers and gave it all to the poor guy selling those homeless newspaper things in the chilly weather. He looked happy and started eating his soup as I was crossing the street to go home.

Today was a good day.

Ugly

There are a lot of ugly people in this world.
Not ugly physically, but mentally.
How hard is it to hold a door open for a poor man with 3 shopping bags, a guitar on his back, and to top it off, hobbling around on crutches?
Apparently too hard.
How rude for people to not offer a friendly smile or even acknowledge the lady handing out the metro?
Or the homeless guy selling papers on the street corner.
Stupid people. Stop thinking you're better than these poor people just because you have more money. It doesn't make you better.
RAWR.

Homeless Connect

Today was the best day and the worst day of my life. Over dramatic I know, but it just made me realize how incredibly greedy I am.
I have everything that anyone could possibly ask for. Home, clothes, family, food, water, etc. And still I want more. These people on the street? All they ask for are their basic needs. I have never met anybody so grateful for just a nice warm meal than these people that came to the Shaw Conference center today. We barely thank the people who cook for us. We buy excessively, eat excessively, take our families for granted, and hate recklessly. Why do we do this when we have everything and these people have nothing?

I hate myself right now for being one of those greedy people. I hate myself for buying things that I don't wear. For not eating food just because I decide I don't like it and it ends up in the garbage. For not appreciating my home cooked meal. For not appreciating the way that people just respect me as a normal human being. It sucks because I know I'm not even that bad. It just really really sucks.

What bothered me a lot at this event was that I could tell that some people were just volunteering for the sake of being a volunteer to put it on their resume. Especially the young kids.

Whoooooo

It is fall! The autumn air is so beautiful! Today I was walking to my car after working at the yoga studio, and there was the most adorable pair of girls walking around in the falling leaves! The one was an adorable little girl and the other was maybe her mom? Sister? But they were giggling and playing in the leaves, and my heart was filled was joy and love!!!!! It was beautiful.

Life is beautiful. Remember to take time and appreciate all the little things, all the big things, and everything in between.

Love and Bliss!

Oh baby. It's Thanksgiving Time!

Diane comes home tomorrow!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
So since it is that time again, I am making a list of things that I am thankful for in the spirit of Thanksgiving weekend :)

1. My perfect/imperfect family - I love them so much! Everything is perfect about my family in an imperfect way :)
2. My wealth - emotionally, economically, socially - I have so much in all these things. I can afford to go to universe. I could afford to go travelling for a year. I have amazing friends. I have emotional strength that I've developed over really hard times and I am sooo thankful that I have a thicker skin than I used to.
3. The weather - I love the colder weather that is starting to come! Sweaters and scarves and boots time.
4. Good luck - I have incredible luck! Everything always seems to fall into place for me even when I expect that things won't work out, or that they shouldn't work out, somehow everything just works.
5. My physical health - I have been blessed with a wonderful body that can do everything. I can walk, run, play sports, everything! I am lucky to be able to exercise and love myself for it.
6. My brain - Even though I wish sometimes I didn't have such an intellectual brain, I love it. It helps me organize and do complicated math problems and still it wants more!
7. Yoga - Without yoga, my life wouldn't be so calm. I love the breathing techniques and how it allows my brain to focus and relax.

So in other news! I am going for a long weekend with the girly poos in Banff next month! I am super excited for that. And super excited for midterm season to be over in 2 weeks :) Life is good. 

Also, I had an emotional meltdown last night when I was super drunky poo. I cried for like an hour but it was extremely therapeutic. Basically, I realized all the relationships I've had in the past (excluding the very non-serious ones in high school) have broken me in ways that I hadn't realized before. The guys hurt me even though I never really thought they did and I broke up with them, but that doesn't mean I wasn't hurt in that relationship! So I cried because I realized that I'm scared to let new people into my life now because I'm always scared of getting hurt. Yes, so that is a great way to scare a new boy away. Crazy crazy coming out in me. Haha. 

AHHHHH

That is not a screaming Ahhhhhh. That is a relaxed sigh of relief Ahhhhhhhh. :)
This weekend I headed home after having a crazy busy week of everything! It gets hard sometimes when life is so busy that I am constantly rushing around, but I made the decision to do that and I love/hate it! Monday was school, work, choir. Tuesday was school, school, dodgeball. Wednesday was my school and free day. And by free, I mean doing homework but I got to see Jake. And then Thursday was school, work, school! Friday was nice and relaxed, but I still feel like I rush around a lot because silly me cannot just sit still and relax at home! My version of relaxing is fitting in every physical activity that I possibly can. Haha. So instead of relaxing during my class break or after classes, I went to the gym and then went to yoga. BUTTTTT.
I got a nice relaxing Friday night and Saturday and Sunday morning at home in Red Deer. The cool part was that I drove Alvin home from school on Friday and it was so nice getting to talk to him like a real person rather than just my cousin/relative. He seems like he has become a really really nice kid!
On Friday night, I went shopping with the rents at Superstore, and then I did homework til past midnight and went to bed. On Saturday, I woke up early to go for a run, hung out with Amanda, went to the dentist, went and got my oil changed (not actually mine but my car's, DUH), and then made dinner which was spaghetti squash mac and cheese! So delicious and easy to make. Afterwards, I saw Lauren at Starbucks and we chatted for nearly 4 hours! And then homework til wayyyy too late at night. Today, I woke up and saw Amanda briefly, did headstands over and over because I can finally do them against a wall! And then homework, now relaxing before the drive back to Edmonton. Today is ultimate frisbee and super study day! I have a midterm on Thursday and I am determined to ace it!

Phew, what a day? Week? How long has it been?

WOW! Life has been so crazy and busy and wonderful and horrible at the same time. I'm absolutely in love with my life, in case I haven't ever announced that enough times. I go through phases where I feel really sad and thinl, Why me? But they never last. I love everything I have and I want to emphasize how incredibly grateful I am that I have everything I do. Not everyone gets to be as blessed as me, and I want to do my best to appreciate how incredible my life really is.
So, where do I begin?? Not last Wednesday, but the Wednesday before, Tom and I broke things off officially. Well I broke things off with Tom officially. Before this, even though he was across the world from me, I wanted to give our relationship a chance. Something I blame movies and chick flick "fairy tale" endings for. I thought maybe this would be my fairy tale ending. YA RIGHT. So this wasn't working at all. Mostly because there was a general lack of communication between us. I gave up trying to talk to him because he wouldn't tell me anything about what he was doing. I like play by plays of people's days, and I like to tell my play by play. It's fun! But he didn't tell me anything and then only ever asked me how school was, even though school is maybe only 40% of what I do in life. So obviously we weren't on the same page, I was sick of feeling let down and tired of just sitting, waiting, wishing, so I took a step towards happiness and fixed it. We are now friends but now I don't feel like I'm waiting forever for him to come to me, or to talk to me, or whatever. We just talk when we do, and I'm okay with that.
Now, I met a boy named Jake, and we have been hanging out quite a bit, and he just makes me laugh and makes me feel beautiful, and blah blah blah. Classic girl meets boy type of stuff. I am happy right now and that's all the matters to me at the moment. I don't want to focus too much on being with a boy, but I think I've got it balanced just right. New boyfriend! Hurray. Things are going well. We have been dating for... 2 days. HAHAHAHA. Let's see how fast things go downhill, ya?
Other than boys, I have been crazy busy! I worked 3 days last week, went to school full time, played dodgeball, made a new friend and went for coffee with him, volunteered at the yoga studio, went running, did yoga, played ultimate frisbee, went to the gym, learned more mandarin, sang with some members of the choir at the night the light walk for 'blood cancer', and hung out with some other friends. (Also got absolutely too drunk to function, but we'll just ignore that part...) So, all in all, life is hectic, but I'm getting everything done, I feel better than I ever have before, and I am loving every single moment of it. Silly enough, last night when I was doing homework, I actually enjoyed doing it. I know, right? Crazy.
Anywho, I gotta get to work.
Have a good week!!!

Hello, I'm back. Did you know that? Hello? Hello? No? Okay...

My weekend was amazing. It was a lot of fun and yet still quite productive. I wish all my weekends felt like this one, but I think a lot of it depends on how optimistic my outlook is on the whole thing. So I had a pretty odd, sad, lonely mood day on Friday. Mostly I just felt weird. Like not in a bad mood for any particular reason, not very happy, but not like super depressed or anything. Just a weird numb feeling. I saw Blue Jasmine the day before though, so it might have been the scene with the ocean and my sudden feeling of how badly I miss Cairns and the ocean and diving! But I got over it.
On Friday night, I thought, I could use a few drinks, and Elizabeth had invited me to a pirates and wenches party with her Meetup group so I told her I would tag along. The people that we met up with were considerably older than I thought they would be, like instead of 30s to 40s, more like 40s to 60s? Hahaha. But oh man, was it a good night. Elizabeth had a bit of a bad day, and when I say a bit, I mean a lot bit of a bad day, so she needed a few drinks too I think. SOO.. we had a drink, or two, or four. LOL. Her group of friends is a lot of fun, a few of them were full blown pirated up, and we talked, danced, drank, and watched a couple of young 'uns make a fool of themselves on the dance floor. It was super hilarious. And when I say young 'uns, they were actually older than me, but at that point, I felt more mature than them. We flirted with some older men, some creepy men hit on us, a gross guy kept farting around us and pretending it wasn't him... IT WAS GREAT. Not the farting part, but the whole night. So we stayed out until almost 1 which is what I think we both needed. And let me say, sleep was a good sleep that night.
On Saturday, I went to the yoga studio early to do some self practice in front of the mirror. Then I volunteered for the usual 4ish hours, took a stroll down Whyte to some stores, bought a few things, and headed home. After a night out, I was exhausted, so I took a nap, watched a few movies, and met up with a new friend named Jake to go to La Shish and smoke some shisha. We had a few drinks, talked, smoked yummy grape and mint flavoured water, and then headed to Whyte Ave for a night out on the town. His cousin from Millet came into town too and we met up with her and her friend and they were WEIRD. Not like I hated them because they were weird but just that they were different from people that I expect to be adults. I guess I'm used to the clean cut girls and the hipster girls and the girls who only wear Lulu Lemon, but they were like the green and black striped knee socks, chucks, black skirt, baggy hoody types of girls. Not who I would normally talk to, but they seemed okay enough... Didn't really talk to them too much, because we went to Funky Buddha, got wayy to many drinks in too little of time, and danced like crazy until last call. It was a lot of fun! Of course, the hangover the next day was not...
I woke up when Di Yee called me on Sunday to say, HELLO WE ARE AT SUPERSTORE! So naturally, I was already late for life, hungover, and hungry AND I WAS GRUMPY. Hmmm. Surprise surprise. But we at lunch at a Vietnamese restaurant, went shopping mainly for mooncakes, and generally just acted like Asians! Then they dropped me off at home, and I took a quick break to recover, and headed off to my mandarin lesson with Zack. He is such a nice guy! He was saying how he is a lonely guy because at work, he works solo, his wife and him divorced, and he is not good at making friends. So my plan is to be as helpful as possible in getting him involved with Elizabeth's meetup group. I think he could fit in there depending on what kind of activities they decide to have in the future. I really want to see him happier because he seems a bit depressed :( I hate knowing that someone is a bit unhappy with life. I feel like my mandarin is improving a bit. Their way of associating the alphabet to their symbols is called pinyin and it makes a heck more sense after processing it and watching youtube videos about it for a week. It is going to be amazing if I can half communicate when I go to China one day. Then, I had a Skype date with Rachelle and drank Fruli and had my girl vent session for about an hour and a half, and then I cleaned my room, jumped on my bed, and went to sleep at a non-decent hour.
Today when I woke up, I felt all the booze and the not sleeping kick in, but I had a great day. Went to class, worked out, biked, finished an assignment, napped, and went to choir. All in all, I think life is heading upwards.

Busy Bee!

Suddenly, I am super busy during this semester with crazy amounts of things!
Monday - School, work, choir
Tuesday - School, lab/work, Dodgeball
Wednesday - School, lab, relax
Thursday - School til 9
Friday - School, lab/work
Saturday - yoga studio volunteering
Sunday - Mandarin lesson and ultimate frisbee

Lots of things to do these days!
But some bad news... An old friend from choir has cancer :( Poor lady. She is working on recovering right now so I won't be seeing much of her for a while. I hope she gets better!

Where did the weekend go?

So my weekend went by like a blur! Oh my goodness. While I was having beers with Elizabeth yesterday, she commented on how she had to work 'tomorrow', and I was like, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO WORK ON SUNDAY?! She said, it is Sunday right now dumbo. Hahaha. What the heck, eh?
Saturday started with an early morning wake-up to bike to the yoga studio. I used the studio to do some self practice for an hour and then it was a crazy busy day there! Lots of people want to do yoga on Saturday mornings apparently! Then I went home before heading over to Danielle's house. Danielle is married now and lives with Aaron in a townhouse in Sherwood Park. It is a cute area but definitely not as homey as Amanda's new home. We baked chocolate quinoa cake with banana icing! It was yummy. And then made quinoa with vegetables for dinner. So delicious.
On Sunday, I went for an 8k run and got totally lost! I had no idea where I was but then I came across the pedestrian bridge that crosses the river and figure out where I was. I ran much further than I had intended to. Then, I biked to yoga, had an intense yoga class, biked to the university and had a mandarin lesson. Mandarin is so complex! The sounds are similar to cantonese for some, but other sounds I can't even make! It is very strange. I feel lost in it all. Then, I went home, took a shower, and headed to dinner and drinks with Elizabeth after a long phone call with Layla. We went to Beer Revolution! Their pizza was so delicious and so were the beers.
Elizabeth seems to be in a much better place than when I first met her last year and when I last saw her. She is social and happy and biking and doing a lot of things that I couldn't have seen her even trying last year. She invited me to a pirates and wenches party on Friday. I am excited to go!
Anyways, today I woke up feeling awful! I had a horrible night of sleep. I woke up at 4 a.m. with my body sore and hot and tired and hungry, so I couldn't fall back asleep for nearly an hour! So when I woke up to go to class, I felt like crap, and it got a little better throughout the day but not that much.
Then today was my first day back at choir! I thought I would be really excited to sing again, but it made me grumpy! I don't know why. I hope that it is just because I had a rough day today. Here is hoping it gets better.
Tomorrow, I am going running, then class, then sleep, then a Syncrude presentation, then yoga, and sleep!
Good night!

Cats

It's the weekend!

So my Friday was much better than the last two days, and I got to meet a girl yesterday in my history class that seems nice, and then today Haley was back in classes so she came to sit by me in soils and I am starting to feel a whole lot better about my whole situation being back here.
I went to yin yoga today and felt so relaxed throughout the whole thing and almost fell asleep. I love yoga. It makes me feel happy!
This weekend, I am working my shift at Lotus Soul on Saturday, then going to a later yoga class perhaps, then on Sunday, I am going to yoga, then meeting up with a Chinese dude to get some mandarin lessons! I hope I can learn mandarin this year. It would be exciting so that I can eavesdrop on all the Asians on campus!

School!

So today was the second day of school. It was much better than the first! So far I love my geotechnical professor and my water management one! The two I really hoped would be good. The rest don't matter that much. I originally was taking a mechanical class and a construction management class, but I went to them, and hated the idea of them! So I changed into a municipal systems and a thermodynamics class instead! They should be much better. Thermo already seems better than the mechanical one. Hopefully my enviro guy is good too, he got an excellent rating on ratemyprof!

Yesterday I worked at the yoga center at night after a horrible day at school. It was very soothing! This morning I went for a run before class, then went to classes, and now I'm wasting a few hours before I go to my history night class. I hope the prof for this class is good as well!

The school year is starting out okay. Even though I'm lonely, I know that it is going to a great year!!

The Name of the Wind

I read a book that Amanda let me borrow called The Name of the Wind. It is intriguing, and as far as science fiction/fantasy as the library here in Edmonton seems to classify it, is not so far fetched that I don't want to believe it. I can actually pretend this world exists.
Now I'm reading the second book of the trilogy called The Wise Man's Fear.
Here is an exerpt:

He stalked over to the bundle of seeds, picked it up, and waved it vigorously until the air was full of gently floating puffs of milkweed seed.
Then Elodin started to chase the seeds wildly around the room, trying to snatch them out of the air with his hands. He clambered over chairs, ran across the lecturer's dais, and jumped onto the table at the front ofthe room.
All the while he grabbed at the seeds. At first he did it one-handed, like you'd catch a ball. But he met no success, and so he started clapping at them, the way you'd swat a fly. When this didn't work either, he tried to catch them with both hands, the way a child might cup a firefly out of the air.
But he couldn't get a hold of one. The more he chased, the more frantic he became, the faster he ran, the wilder he grabbed. This went on for a full minute. Two minutes. Five minutes. Ten.
It might have gone on for an entire class period, but eventually he tripped over a chair a tumbled painfully to the stone floor, tearing open the leg of his pants and bloodying his knee.
Clutching at his leg, he sat on the ground and let loose with a string of angry cursing the like of which I had never heard in my entire life. He shouted and snarled and spat. He moved through at least eight languages, and even when I couldn't understand the words he used, the sound of it made my gut clench and the hair on my arms stand up. He said things that made me sweat. He said things that made me sick. He said things I didn't know it was possible to say.
I expect this might have continued, but while drawing an angry breath, he sucked on of the floating milkweed seeds into his mouth and began to cough and choke violently.
Eventually he spat out the seed, caught his breath, got to his feet, and limped out of the lecture hall without saying another word.
This was not a particularly odd day's class under Master Elodin.

 Bahaha. Thank you Patrick Rothfuss. This made me giggle.

I'm back!

So I've been gone for basically a year travelling and working and exploring. It was a blast. I don't regret a single bit of it. I've learned so much, I've been really sad at times, I've been really happy at other times, and I'm just proud of myself for taking that year to become more of who I am.
I kind of wish I could write into words how I've changed, but I can't really describe it. I remember my first few weeks in Sydney when Rachelle asked me if I felt like I had changed as a person since I left home, and I said that I was basically the same person. I think that still applies, but I've also changed in very subtle ways that I can't explain. I feel happier in general and I feel like I've just grown into who I am. That's about all I can say. It's a good feeling. I feel more confident.

I'm back in Edmonton now and it feels pretty good. I feel like some of the year will be falling back into the same routine as before I left, but I want to change some things about my life. I want to go out and be part ofthe community. I think it will be a good year. Friends will be different because I've lost touch with basically everyone here. Elizabeth seems to be doing well. Much better than before I left and she gives credit to me getting her into being social again. It makes me proud to see what kind of changes people can have in a year.
On the other hand, I hung out with Jeff last night and it was horrible. We went shopping, then to dinner with some of his friends, then to a movie. My problem with people like him are that they can never be wrong and that they are overly pushy in asserting how they are better than others. A consistent need to comment on why you can't eat as many shrimp as other people is pretty much a pathetic call for help for your lack of self-confidence. If someone is happy with their skills and their accomplishments, they won't rub it in others faces just to feel like they are better. It's just not something happy people do. He also kept talking about how drugs are this amazing thing, and he doesn't know how people go to movies without getting high. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

It's so horrible to see people improving themselves and then to see the complete opposite in others. Sometimes people use drugs for fun with their friends. Sometimes they just want to experiment. And then you see how other people use drugs to cope with their lives. How drugs seem to make everything seem better. I don't know what to make of it, but I sure as heck don't want to associate myself with those types of people.

Now that I'm back, I'm ready to get this degree done and out of the way so that real life can start. Although I'm scared, I'm ready to embrace the changes and the experiences to come :)